I’m writing this post with a baby asleep on my knee and my laptop battery light blinking at me. It’s blinking because I can’t plug it in. I can’t plug it in because I have a baby on my knee. There’s every chance my laptop will die before I hit publish. I’m typing in the dark, in my bedroom and I’m kind of fed up.
You know when, pre-parenthood you had all this time? All this huge, infinite amount of time stretching to forever? As I sit here right now I wonder why I didn’t do more with that time. Why didn’t I eat out more? Why didn’t I go to more art exhibitions (not that I’m even that into art, but it strikes me as something quite interesting to do). Why didn’t I just run around the block every now and again when the moment took me BECAUSE I COULD. Ah, all that wasted time watching the Hollyoaks omnibus and faffing around on Facebook.
And then you have a baby and BOOM, time just diminishes. At first it goes into 45 minute chunks, if you have a hungry newborn who likes to be fed as often as mine did. And then those 45 minutes stretch a bit further until, at some point, you get maybe two or three hours every evening – more if you’re lucky. With Frog that happened when she was around five months old. With Baby Girl, we’re still waiting for it to happen.
I feel a bit torn at the moment. On the one hand I’m soaking in these cuddles, feeling nostalgic for the newborn days that are over already. I refuse to wonder if this will be my last baby because the thought of putting those tiny socks and vests away for good makes me want to weep. But then, on the other hand, I feel… so touched out. It gets to 7pm and I just want to sit on the sofa or at my desk and type without someone crying at me. Sometimes I want to go to bed ON MY OWN, without a baby curled up in the crook of my arm. I want to lie on the sofa and watch a film without my little partner in crime stretched across my front, squeezing my fingers or sucking on a nipple. And then I feel guilty for feeling this way. I shouldn’t feel this way, should I?
There are some days when the (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine gets home from work and the house is tidy, both girls are happy and I feel on top of things. Work deadlines have been met, food is on the table and I feel like I’m winning at being a mum of two. And then there are days like today.
Today went something like this: wake up, pick up baby, put baby down and baby cries, pick baby up and try to brush teeth one-handed while helping four year old into school uniform, make breakfast one-handed, etc etc etc. I realised I’d left the sling in the car so that wasn’t an option but, anyway, I just wanted one minute – ONE MINUTE I TELL YOU – to go for a wee without another human being attached to my hip. Bad mum?
The physical aspect of life with a baby is something I’d totally forgotten about from the early days with Frog. All the lifting and the nursing and the cuddling. My body still doesn’t really feel my own much of the time, especially on mornings when I wake up with Baby Girl trying to suck my nose or eyebrow (true story). Most days it doesn’t bother me but today I felt stretched taught as a tightrope by 5pm. The NLM walked through the door and I promptly walked off to enjoy one minute alone in the loo with the door locked.
And here I am again, in bed with a baby next to me. Still feeling a bit touched out. But you know the funny thing – the sod’s law of parenting – is that if she suddenly decided to sleep reliably in her cot all the way through the night well… you just know I’d miss her. In fact, I’d probably miss her so much I’d end up waking her up and bringing her into bed with me. Can’t win really, can I?
How about you – do you ever feel “touched out” as a parent?
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By the way, The MAD Blog Awards are open for nominations. I would love a nomination for best pregnancy blog or best baby blog. You can nominate here.
Some of my best baby posts -
33 thoughts every mum has when her baby goes down for a nap
What Google taught me about baby sleep
How to do the school run with a four year old and a baby
A letter to the mum whose baby doesn’t sleep
The accidental attachment parent
Second babies and changing relationships
Losing my mind to sleep deprivation
Some of my best pregnancy posts -
The A-Z of post-birth recovery
40 weeks pregnant is not overdue
Labour and kids: to sugar-coat or tell the truth?
On accepting and learning to love my changing body shape
I can still remember the days when it felt like Tiger was attached to my boob constantly and I just wanted five minutes without anyone touching me! Of course I do miss it now though
I also get it now where I just want five minutes without anyone talking to me! It sounds awful and I always keeps in my mind that I will miss it one day and also that they aren’t even doing anything wrong but sometimes it feels like all I hear for hours is ‘MUMMEEEE’ ‘Mummeee’ MUMMEEE’!! X
I know the feeling Jess! And I know I’ll miss it later on, I need to keep that in my mind when I’m feeling a bit fraught!
Very true – I can relate to this also!
it doesn’t last forever and then you miss it, despite it being all too much at the time. it’s a tricky thing and you captured it before the laptop died. well done xx
I could cry thinking about how quickly this baby phase is going – so you’re right, it doesn’t last forever. Which makes me feel even worse when I don’t appreciate every snotty cuddle! x
I know this feeling so well. My boy is one now and his sister 4, sometimes I just want to be able to think my own thoughts in peace. The older (& less dependent) he gets, the more I miss being needed. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone.
Definitely not alone Karen. Definitely!
You could have been talking about my day today! Or this week! Or this month! I am in fact writing this from Starbucks where my lovely husband has sent me to have half an hour where nobody touches me! I know that I too will miss it when my children are older but for now just that little time to recharge is priceless.
Hurray for the recharge. Half an hour alone in a cafe sounds rather lovely!
Hurray for the recharge. Half an hour alone in a cafe sounds rather lovely!
Ooh I’ve done this many times with 3% battery. Oooh this counts as a thrill these days!
Arrgghhhh. I so know what you mean. I read this blog recently about a woman who couldn’t kiss her husband when he came in because she just needed NOT to be touched for an hour. I feel a bit like this! With three kids there is always someone in my personal space plus the breastfeeding and sometimes I just want to be on my own!
At the same time I am savouring the baby moments of the last baby.
Contradiction? Not much…
Gorgeous family Molly x
Oh yes, i remember this well. Everyone literally needs a bit of you! It does pass and now I’m the one asking for hugs while they all seem to take more of me mentally nowadays (which is hard in a different way). It is so hard at the time though and I had to explain to Dave as he felt hurt when I needed physical space away from him xxx