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You are here: Home / MOTHERHOOD / Babies / Guest post: Dealing with toddler tantrums

Guest post: Dealing with toddler tantrums

August 30, 2012 by Molly 12 Comments

I’m handing over the blog today to author and mum of two, Hollie Smith.

Hollie’s written no less than ten best-selling parenting books, the latest of which – First Time Mum – was recently published. I was on a panel of mums to bare their soul offer pearls of wisdom shared in this book so, obviously, it’s very good.

In fact, I think it’s SO good that I’ve leant it to my lovely pregnant friend in the hope that the non-judgmental balanced, real advice and scenarios will help calm her nerves as motherhood approaches (by the way – congratulations Leanne and John, I love you both. But please can you skip the passages where I’m quoted talking about going to the loo after childbirth? John doesn’t need to see that.).

You can read more from Hollie on her brilliantly funny and wise blog.

Anyway, enough of my rambles, I’ll step aside and let Hollie take the floor, with her take on toddler tantrums. Very fitting, considering the last few tantrum posts that have featured here…

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So you’ve got a small child who’s giving you grief with their tantrums? You have my empathy. The pre-school years are fraught with challenges for parents, but toddler wobblers must surely be the worst of them. And I really, truly feel for anyone going through it – as Molly is right now – because I’ve definitely been there, and I’ve definitely done that.

What I can say, with the glorious benefit of hindsight, is that whilst tantrums feel like the worst thing in the world to be coping with at the time, they really are just a part of a behavioural phase that will (eventually) pass into the annals of your family history. You may even look back at them and laugh. Remember the B&Q debacle of ‘03? Oh, ha ha ha! How we chuckled when the manager requested our exit from the premises. Gosh, though, but didn’t that paint take a long time to come out of her hair?

I don’t mean to sound trite. Like I say, I know from experience that it’s far from funny trying to deal with a child whose knickers have become comprehensively twisted.

What I want to offer is reassurance that these meltdowns are entirely normal. And that they will stop at some point. Honest, they will.

You know what? I can’t even remember much about all those tantrums my daughters had, although I know for a fact they both stropped for England in their day, and that I struggled to cope with it: one detail that remains with me is a well-meaning but very misguided female relative’s suggestions that my eldest’s tantrums were so terrible, they might just amount to a behavioural disorder. Helpful stuff. And also bollocks, as it turned out. They were, of course, just an ordinary two-year-old’s tantrums.

There was one meltdown I can remember in technicolour, when my daughter went completely doo-lal in Claire’s Accessories. It was so bad that when I’d finally hauled her out of the shop in order to re-locate her fury to the precinct floor, I was sobbing. A woman I didn’t know – a mum with older kids – came up and put an arm round me. Her words still ring in my head: ‘Don’t worry. We all have days like these’. What a lovely lady. To this day I think she might actually have been an angel.

On the whole, though, I don’t recall the specifics. How often they came, how bad they were, what triggered them, exactly when they stopped. I suppose, a bit like childbirth, nature ensures the memories of these things are thoroughly muddied, otherwise no-one would ever go on to have a subsequent child after their first. My point is, if you’re going through it now and it feels like a big deal, I promise you it won’t, some day.

Meanwhile, if it helps, remind yourself why little kids have big tantrums. They have well enough developed brains to know what they want and what they’re feeling, but they don’t yet have the language skills to express it or the physical ability carry it out. Also, they’re immature little so-and-so’s. They just don’t have any anger management skills yet.

As for how to deal with tantrums, well, you undoubtedly know the excepted wisdom on that already. Pre-empt them in the first place by steering clear – whenever possible – of known trigger factors such as hunger or tiredness; and divert if one seems to be brewing, by any means necessary. Get down to their level and offer calm reassurance if you can. And if you can’t? Bite your lip and ignore them, walking away (as long as they’re safe) if necessary.

Truth is, tantrums are just something you have to ride out until you’ve reached the other side. And so is the phase in general.

When might this other side finally present itself? Look, I’ve got to be honest: this is a phase that can rumble on for a while. They call it the terrible twos but I’m pretty sure mine were still chucking regular hissy fits well into the threatening threes. Frankly, the feck-awful fours and even the frightening fives may continue to loom for you.

But stop they will. Remember what that angel lady in the precinct said, about Days Like These? Well I don’t have days like that anymore. My girls are ten and eight now, and I can assure you that they haven’t thrown a toddler wobbler in a long time. My Days Like These now involve struggling to get anyone to listen, eat a piece of fruit, or tidy their rooms. When the heat’s really on I must deal with ‘whatever’ attitudes, sibling scraps, and pre-pubescent tears that flow regularly, for no clear reason.

That’s kids for you. They stop offering one challenge. They’ll soon throw down another.

Filed Under: Babies, Kids, MOTHERHOOD Tagged With: motherhood, Parenting, tantrums, terrible twos, toddlers

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Comments

  1. Looking for Blue Sky says

    August 31, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    They certainly do pass and seem a long time ago now, but I still remember how hurt I felt that my child could do this ‘to me’ lol

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm

      I know that feeling well!

      Reply
  2. Mummy Whisperer says

    August 31, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    I had to deal with ‘I WANT PINK CAKE’ today with huge tears and screams – she obviously had decided this morning that only pink cake was going to do, and sadly the shop I picked (which I’d never been to before, and will now avoid like the plague after that strop!) was full of that posh adult friendly cake and nothing a 2.5yr old girl wanted :o(

    Even better was having to ‘gently’ haul her butt into the car in front of the tree-hugging crystal shop – Oh god!

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 2, 2012 at 7:34 pm

      Agh! They always seem to know the exact worse time and place to pick their tantrum throwing, don’t they?!

      Reply
  3. Tom says

    August 31, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Tantrums can be greatly reduced or eliminated by skilled parenting.

    Give lots of positive attention when the kid is not tantruming.

    Pretend to ignore. Do this immediately at the first sign of a tantrum. Look away, turn your head, walk away. But watch out of the corner of your eye if you feel the need to monitor the kid.

    Read “Kazdin Method”, one of the few parenting books based on research into what actually works.

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 2, 2012 at 7:35 pm

      I find distraction often helps too – it’s not always possible to walk away when you’re in a busy public place! Thank you for the comment though, I’ll definitely try this at home.

      Reply
  4. Jacq says

    August 31, 2012 at 9:49 am

    It would have been lovely if ours had stopped having tantrums, unfortunately we are still getting them at 4, 6 and 9. *sigh

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 2, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      I still have them aged 28….

      Reply
  5. Bex @ The Mummy Adventure says

    August 30, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Apparently the terrible two’s tantrums have started already with my only just turned one year old but I am sure we will make it through, maybe with a little grey hair and some gritted teeth but we will make it. . . right?

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 2, 2012 at 7:37 pm

      Don’t stop believing! I always find they’re the absolute worst when you’re in the middle of it, but once the storm blows over it’s always easier to get into perspective. And yes, our tantrums started early too!

      Reply
  6. Kate Takes 5 says

    August 30, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    ‘It’s just a phase, it’s just a phase, it’s just a phase’…repeat ad libitum…

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 2, 2012 at 7:37 pm

      *Etches on brain*

      Reply

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Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

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A reminder that loving every bit of ourselves isn’t just about embracing all the parts on the outside, but also about accepting - and maybe even celebrating - the bits on the inside too. 
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I’ll go first: I am a worrier and have a tendency to think deeply on things. If we’ve ever had a disagreement - be it an exchange on Twitter in 2018 or a row in the playground in 1992 you bet I’ve stored that away in my brain ready to ruminate on in the depths of a night when I can’t sleep. 
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I’ve been looking a lot at old photos lately. Th I’ve been looking a lot at old photos lately. This pic is from summer 2018, when I could hug my mum and travel abroad on holiday. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, smell the salty sea air and hear the laughter of other families playing on the beach. Holding on to these memories and the hope that the hugs, sunshine and bikinis will come again one day. In the meantime it’s video calls, trackie bottoms and WhatsApp. ❄️☀️ 
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