I was writing a blog post for a company the other day about pregnancy. As I scrawled through some suitable bump images to include in the post, the (self-proclaimed) Nothern Love Machine looked over my shoulder and laughed.
“There’s nothing attractive about pregnant women is there?” he chuckled.
My scowl made him quickly back-track, as he was actually looking at a picture of my own bump, taken just over two years ago now. But, equally, I completely disagreed with him.
“But some bumps are lovely,” I protested. “They’re the start of life, babies, something amazing,” I gushed. He stared back at me blankly. He obviously wasn’t buying it.
And the more I look back at photographs of myself from 2010, the more I think that – actually – I WAS attractive. I didn’t feel like it at the time. I felt huge, ungainly, swollen and grumpy. I felt tired and a little bit aprehensive.
But I also felt excited, happy and…. content. I felt completely and utterly content.
That’s something I haven’t felt for a year or so now. It’s a mixture of broodiness for another baby (one day!), ambition to do well in my career and the constant calculations of money and our savings account. The stuff of real life, basically.
It’s not that I’m not content as a mum. I adore my daughter. She’s made me. But I know that we’re not quite there yet. I know that we want our family to grow when we’re in a more settled place. I know that it won’t happen unless I work extremely hard and keep putting the hours and commitment in.
And then I take a step back and wonder if the feeling of contentment that I had while I lumbered around like a huge pregnant hippo, will ever properly come back at all. Even if we get to the place we want to be with our family and our house and our life, will I ever have that delicious feeling of calm in the way that I did when I was pregnant for the first time in my life?
Those moments of quiet, as I looked down at my rounded tummy and watched it flutter as a little foot kicked out. Those moments of satisfaction as I used my bump as a folding table to fold tiny babygrows and vests. Those minutes of dedicated concentration as I watched One Born Every Minute and vowed that I wouldn’t be *that* woman – the one to scream and shout swear words while pushing.
I was so completely wrapped up in my baby and my growing body two years ago, that there was no room for the outside world with all its troubles. Just me and my baby.
And there’s a beauty in that.
Photo taken by my friend, Caroline Gue.
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This post was written for this week’s Gallery. Head over to Sticky Fingers to see the rest.
Really lovely and touching story! x
Ah, thanks Han. x
Agreed. The pregnant form and the love for an unborn child is beautiful
x
What a lovely way to put it. So true.
What a gorgeous photo of your bump. I wish I had allowed more photos to be taken of me in a pregnant state. Same as you, at the time I felt like a whale, but looking back I think there’s something so beautiful about pregnancy and growing a baby.
I had to have my arm twisted to have the photos taken, but I’m so glad I did. Looking back, I can barely remember what it felt like to be so huge. But it was a happy time (when my back wasn’t aching!).
You were absolutely beautiful, my dear! I was beautiful pregnant and definitely didn’t think so at the time. You know what I’ve found weird though? I went through that phase of being broody a few months ago and I could so keenly imagine being pregnant but just today I walked past a pregnant woman and thought: “Was I really ever pregnant?” It feels a bit like all of that happened to someone else. I think it’s because I’m really not broody.
If I were to get pregnant now it would be amazing but I find myself not wanting it these days – most of the time anyway. It could be because I’m getting into work. It could be because Talitha sleeps through and is actually relatively easy now. I see newborns every week in our breastfeeding group and though I think they’re unbelievably cute, I find myself not wanting one. In fact, I sometimes surprise myself by wondering if we “have” to have another child. I know that’s not my real, deep down feeling but it’s one of the feelings in the mix.
So, on one hand I’m looking at your gorgeous silhouette and thinking of the mysterious beauty of giving life but I’m also thinking of swollen ankles, SPD, gas, back pain, morning sickness, night-time loo trips, insomnia, itchy bump and….that’s not even starting in on all the newborn stuff! Yeah, I think I’ll just work and look after this toddler for a while!
I think pregnant women look stunning. Love your photo x
I always thought I looked hideous when I was pregnant, but recently found a picture, and it really wasn’t all that bad. I’m sure it’s because I think of my children now when I see a bump photo, and that changes everything.
Definitely didn’t look as good as you though! Your photo is beautiful.
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Like I say, you are glamour made flesh, even when huge! I think that contentment comes naturally with pregnancy (unless the circumstances are very unfortunate). I enjoyed my second more than my first, despite juggling a 1-year-old, work and nine-month-long nausea because i knew what to expect.
Sigh. What a gorgeous post, and a beautiful photo.
I have a couple of *very* pregnant friends at the moment, which has been making me incredibly broody, but it has also been quite helpful in reminding me of the tiredness, the aches etc which must be so much harder 2nd time round when you’re trying to look after an energetic toddler too! Love your description of how calm your pregnancy was, and I agree completely – I probably loved my body more with that big bump than I ever did before, and certainly more than I ever have since.
But we are not in the right place or time to be having a second baby at the moment either. Let’s keep dreaming, shall we?
xx
Thats a really beautiful bump!! I just love that glow that pregnant women give off. I didn’t think I had it till I looked back at photos of when I was pregnant and it is true…(it may be sweat)…but pregnant women do glow.
I go through very extreme broodiness / not broody at all feelings at the moment!
Lovely