I first became aware of The Motherhood Challenge a week ago, when a friend tagged me in the viral meme. I didn’t take part because memes aren’t my thing, but I smiled at the cute photos my friend had shared of her daughter. I know she’s had a pretty difficult time of it these past few months, so it was lovely to see such a positive post and to smile over the sweet photos. After that, I didn’t think much of it.
Until I read this brilliantly written article by Flic Everett for The Guardian. It made me think a bit harder about the meme and question some of the bigger ideas behind it. And, over the next couple of days I read more articles slating The Motherhood Challenge, heard people debating it on the radio and watched arguments unfold on Twitter. Things were getting quite heated over what I had first thought was, essentially, just an opportunity to share some cute photos online.
The main thrust of the argument against The Motherhood Challenge seems to be that it glorifies motherhood, contributing yet again to this idea that women who have babies are virtuous, angelic figures, fulfilling their duty as women.
What about the women who don’t want to, or can’t, have babies? Are their lives not important too? What about the mums who aren’t tagged in the meme? Does this mean they’re not “good” enough mothers? And isn’t showing only the positive, uplifting, joyous moments of motherhood a bit fake? We all know real motherhood is about changing nappies, negotiating tantrums and picking toast off the floor, don’t we?
I found myself nodding along. HELL YEAH I’m sick of people painting mums as saintly creatures when most of the mothers I know are just trying their best to get through each day with a smile. HELL YEAH I’m sick of feeling inferior to other mothers who have prettier Instagram accounts than mine, showing heavenly moments with their brood – not a tantrum in sight.
And so, I thought I agreed with Flic Everett. I was all ready to don a placard emblazoned DOWN WITH THE MOTHERHOOD CHALLENGE and jump on the anti-challenge bandwagon that everyone else seemed to be riding.
But then I thought about it some more and I realised that, actually, I don’t agree. Not entirely anyway.
Yes any viral meme gets pretty annoying after a while. And yes, it can feel awkward to be tagged in something and then not take part. And yes, I’m sick of this idea that motherhood is our final calling and any woman who doesn’t have a baby is somehow failing at life. And yes, I don’t like the division of mums – I’d hate for someone to feel hurt or upset simply because they weren’t tagged on Facebook.
BUT. But. It seems to me like the arguments against The Motherhood Challenge are actually a bit more complex. One of the points is that it might hurt someone’s feelings – either a person who isn’t tagged or a person who has suffered baby loss, fertility issues, postnatal depression… Being confronted by lots of images of smiling mothers and children will make them feel inadequate, or so the argument goes.
Now I’m sure this is true to a certain extent – but it’s also true of lots of other things online. If we all thought too hard about whether something we post online was going to offend someone or make them feel bad then we’d never post anything, ever.
The other argument against The Motherhood Challenge is that it promotes this idea that motherhood is a lofty ideal to achieve. Mums are angelic beings, more worthy than anyone else in society. We should all celebrate our mum achivements more than any other success in life, because this is what makes us Good People. Got a promotion recently? Who cares. If you haven’t successfully potty trained your toddler by the age of 3 then you’re a bad human being etc.
On the surface, I agree with this. I hate the thought of boundaries being placed on women. Not every woman can or wants to have children. And that doesn’t make them any less human than someone who has a big brood of kids. However, what it also doesn’t mean is that those mums who DO have a big brood of kids should never talk about something online that is such a huge part of their lives.
I’d love to post more interesting stuff on my Facebook page about political documentaries I’ve watched, or big board meetings I’ve been on, or exotic places I’m travelling to. But the truth is I’m at home with my kids in Devon, picking toast off the floor and scrubbing crayon off the walls. At the moment, being a mum is a HUGE part of my identity. It’s what I do all day, so it’s inevitable this is going to make up a huge part of what I talk about online – or anywhere else for that matter.
More importantly though, the underlying argument against The Motherhood Challenge that I just can’t get behind is one that I find slightly sinister. Far from being an argument borne from feminist ideals sticking up for women’s rights, I think it’s actually rather anti-feminist.
Like it or not, a huge proportion of the population are at home with young children. The majority of this population is women. To tell this section of society that their voice doesn’t matter is extremely damaging. It silences a huge group of women who have just as much right to a voice as the next person on Facebook.
When I first became a mum five and a half years ago I really struggled with my identity and feelings of self-worth. I’d gone from being a promising journalist in a macho newsroom to a ghost pushing a pram. Sleep deprivation, colic and general exhaustion meant I had little idea time of day it was, let alone what was happening in the news.
I felt embarrassed about my status at home with the baby. I wasn’t achieving anything like my former colleagues, breaking news stories and winning awards. Except, of course I was. I was raising a human. Trying to get through each day with lots of little acts of kindness, giving myself to this tiny demanding creature who needed me so badly.
Starting a blog gave me a voice. I realised that I was in the same boat as many other women around the UK. And, as the years have gone on and my voice and confidence has got louder, I can see how vital it is that we don’t silence mums online – or anywhere.
Pictures of mums raising babies may be boring to look at on Facebook, and they may irritate you in their sentimental rose-tinted beauty, but to tell a mum that she shouldn’t talk about her proud mum moments on the internet is akin to telling a female doctor that she should get back into the kitchen. It’s just another form of “women, know your place” which I just can’t get behind.
ALL women should be allowed a voice. Even if you don’t like what they’re saying.
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And all Dads, while we’re at it ???? You’ve hit the nail on the head again, I totally agree. If you don’t like it, scroll on by. There seem to be so many people trying to make others feel bad these days, and it feels quite draining, like you n bet really know what you can and can’t say! I’m proud to be a mum, and I love photos. So yes I did it, no I didn’t tag anyone, but I’m not offended by anyone who did or didn’t take part or tag. Thanks for setting the facts out ????
Thanks Steph – and yes, I agree. We should ALL be allowed a voice. EVERYONE! xx
Brilliant Molly. The world has enough stuff to really get angry about and mothers trying to encourage each other by posting pictures and tagging each other is not really one of them, I reckon. There’s a lot to be said about most of the backlash of this and the to-and-fro coming from women. We need more solidarity in our diversity and in the continuum of motherhood. It’s always going to be a loaded conversation eh? xo
I totally agree. And yes, always a loaded conversation! x
I was tagged in a few of these posts but I didn’t take part…..
Mostly because, the pictures that best depict what Motherhood is to me would involve a very messy house, me hairdrying knickers, a selfie where at least one of my angels has a grump on and other such images that people probably didn’t want to see!
I share pics of my Girls all the time so felt no reason why now was more special or worthy than any other – but I also felt that anyone who had children in their lives and wanted to say how wonderful they were and how much they loved them should be all be allowed to participate if they wanted to!
I didn’t take part either, but obviously I had no problem with those who did. I think the wider argument I disliked the most was this idea that mums shouldn’t talk about their kids or about being a mum online, full stop. As if we should just remain silent and hidden. It can be such an isolating time, especially as a new mum, yet so many women are branded “baby bores” or whatever if they chat about their new life as a mum. It’s a shame as it doesn’t seem to happen to blokes!
I agree. I was tagged but didn’t get around to joining in. However, if I did want to post photos that make me happy as a mother then I’d hope my friends would be happy for me to do so. I loved seeing my friends photos- I saw friends that I know more as grandparents sharing photos of themselves as young mums, mums who have lost children but cherished the time they had with them, proud new mums and mums that I know go through tough times on a day to day basis but took the time to find their happy photos. I felt awful that they were then made to feel bad for sharing these. If we go that far then we’d have to say don’;t share any photos or happy moments on-line and I don’t want to live in a world like that. Life is tough. let’s celebrate the happy times (interestingly I only saw women complain about the challenge. Men seemed to ignore it or not mind it.) xxx
So true – and that’s something I hadn’t really thought of actually. The debate was definitely more amongst women it seemed. x
I agree with you. Everyone can post what they want (well within legal limits) on their social media and everyone else can either look or not. I think there’s a lot of people who get offended by things and this is what drives some of the anti brigade. On social media you can’t be offended, you just need to let things ride on by otherwise you’d end up with noone being able to post anything as you say.
I totally missed the motherhood challenge meme online – I’m not offended, even though obviously I’m a brilliant mum (most of the time ll), at not being tagged, but then it’s obviously missed most of my friends out. Even prior to having N, when I was probably the least likely of my friends to want or like children, it wouldn’t have offended me seeing mother’s pictures.
For a harmless meme, there’s been an awful lot of air time about it for no real reason.
You’ve got to wonder, if there was a “Fatherhood Challenge” would it have elicited the same divided response? I don’t know, but I doubt it!
You have once again taken the words from my brain and arranged them in a much better fashion than I ever could. I was conflicted and I didn’t really like the whole meme thing, but I loved seeing friends sharing their happy mum photos and celebrating their awesomeness.
We should never feel censored in anyway in life or on social media, and if we want to brag or take time to celebrate the important job we are doing then HELL YEAH!
I agree. I think it’s really easy to start overthinking things and then self-censoring, which means we’re not always true to ourselves online. I know I’m guilty of doing it anyway. But I hate the idea that a whole proportion of society should be made to feel like they can’t share what they want or have a voice. Being a mum can be an isolating enough thing as it is, without feeling like we have to do it all behind closed doors and remain invisible.
TOTALLY love this smart, honest analysis! It completely passed me by but I am loving the dissecting of it through various things 😀
You’re lucky it passed you by – it was all anyone was talking about over here!
Well said. This is the best analysis of this subject I’ve seen. Lx
Thanks Laura. x
I didn’t take part either. Tbh it was purely down to not wanting my kids photos seen by friends of friends of friends…odd for a blogger, right?! Great post x
Perfectly valid reason I’d say!