I have a big task ahead of me this evening.
It involves razers, tweezers, body scrub, nail varnish, moisterising fake tan and copious amounts of other potions and lotions. Because tonight, I am going to tame the beast.
As tomorrow’s hen do looms ever closer, I’ve come to realise I can no longer hide behind the “I’m a mum now, I’m busy” approach to my beauty regime. This excuse has dominated the last year of my life, meaning I’m no longer au fait with what one does with a razor or a bottle of fake tan.
But tonight all that has to change. As I understand it, many places where adults go to dance and drink on a Saturday night have some sort of dress code nowadays. And milk encrusted t’shirts accessorised by furry armpits and hairy toes don’t really cut the mustard.
So after I’ve spent an hour de-fluffing the legs and another hour scrubbing the cellulite on my bottom into oblivion, I need to remember how to use a pair of tweezers. The Liam Gallagher look I’ve been sporting for the last couple of months isn’t the image I want to convey to friends I haven’t seen for nearly two years. I want to be “Yummy Mummy” with hairless toes and perfectly arched eyebrows, not “Slummy Mummy” with dried snot on my top and chipped nails the likes of which Worzal Gummidge would be proud of.
This is a big task. One that I’m going to set aside an entire evening to complete. But there’s one obstacle that even a heavy duty razor and a vat of moisterising lotion can’t overcome.
How to walk in heels?