When I was pregnant, I was often told that on becoming a parent I would lose three things that I had formerly taken for granted: my waist, my sleep and my friends.
My waist has slowly made a post-baby return. Sleep is our friend once again. And my friends? Well, they’re still around too. More than ever in fact.
22 months after becoming a mother, friends still form an important part of my life. Whether it’s a chat on the phone, an afternoon cup of tea or a night out dancing and drinking wine, my relationships with friends are just as strong now as they ever were before I was a mother. In some cases, they’re stronger.
The myth that having children makes you lose your friends is one that is, I think, propogated by people who either didn’t have very good friends in the first place, or weren’t – shock horror – very good friends themselves. These people tend to delight in passing down the wisdom that a social life with anyone other than a spouse or family member becomes extinct once the bouncing baby makes an appearance.
What a load of old tosh.
Granted, having a baby does limit your opportunities for dancing on tables every Friday and Saturday night. Unless you have a) a very good babysitter, b) a creche in your local nightspot or c) a huge yearning to squeeze a pair of breast pads into a low-cut LBD, then nights out with a newborn are likely to be few and far between.
But that doesn’t mean they’ll NEVER happen ever again.
Being a parent doesn’t mean you have to swap all your pre-baby friends for post-baby ones, only to associate with other sleep-deprived mums at the local baby and toddler group.
My first evening out with friends – minus the baby – happened when said baby was around 9 months old. Prior to this, a night out consisited of a trip down the end of the garden to put the bins out, or a hastily snatched half in the pub over the road, combined with constant panicky texts to the babysitter checking if my boob-loving daughter had woken for milk.
But I didn’t hibernate for 9 months, only conversing with friends via photos of my offspring on Facebook. Nope. Instead we all made an effort. My friends made an effort to get on a train and venture out to our village in the sticks. And I made an effort to bundle the baby and all the related paraphenalia into the car on the occasional jaunt to their place. Or, sometimes, I’d clear enough muslin cloths off the sofa for a guest to sit down and I’d cook that “guest” (read: friend) something nice.
The thing is, all this talk of, “Your social life goes out the window when you’re a parent” and, “Forget any friends you have who aren’t parents” is a lot of rubbish when you think about it. Because if friends are that easy to lose, then they were never real friends in the first place.
I was the first amongst my group of friends to have a baby. I’m still the only parent amongst us. But they have shared everything with me. They’ve developed a relationship with Frog. They’ve asked all the necessary sleep and milk related questions. And then we’ve got on with it, back to what we do best. Talking, drinking wine, dancing, joking, eating, talking more, drinking more wine, dancing a bit more and eating yet again.
These are my friends. They’re part of my life. My life is now different, but my real friends – the ones I care about and love – they are here to stay.
I’m the first of all my best friends which mean that they love seeing Iyla. I struggled in the first few months when all I wanted to talk about was baby stuff and they were going on about facials and holidays, but now I love seeing them for a good old catch-up. And on top of my old friends becoming a mum has meant I have made loads of new ones, both through baby groups and blogging so having a baby has done my social life a favour! x
Completely agree – mine too!
I could have written this, I used to have so many friends, good friends but unless they have children they don’t understand and you do lose them. You do make some new ones ones who understand and help you on your next journey. xx
I understand what you mean about people often not being able to relate when they don’t have children themselves. But in my own experience this wasn’t the case. I’m still just as good friends with my closest friends (who don’t have kids) as I ever was. I’ve made new friends too, but many of the “old” ones remain also. I think it’s often a measure of good friendships, if you continue to have a friendship with someone despite your circumstances in life changing. x
Lovely post. Lots to relate to, as the first one in my circle to settle down. (Great pic too!)
I think becoming a parent is an effective 2 way filter. It filters out all the people that probably weren’t that bothered about being your buddy – because they don’t make the effort to adapt in the way you mention. And having a baby and ‘no babysitter’ is the best excuse for saying no to nights out that you don’t really want to go on yourself 😉
The good ones – the proper friends – will stick with you, and you’ll want to stay with them.
I love the notion of a 2 way filter. Lovely analogy.
I don’t think becoming a parent loses you friends I think it’s due to other circumstances such as moving away and changing. Many of my good friends live a long way away and abroad and I think having children means you’re less able to travel and stay with them. A number of them aren’t online in the way I am too so we’re not in touch very much. I think your friends change as you move through life and I know I made a few friends in desperation in the early baby days with my first only to realise a few years later that the only thing we had in common was having a child the same age. Funnily enough falling seriously ill recently helped me realise who was a good friend and who was probably less worth bothering with. I think adversity helps you realise who your true friends are and sometimes you can be surprised.
Such a good point – totally agree that you find out who your true friends are during times of adversity. And yes, friends change through life as we change ourselves and go through different experiences. But I suppose the oldest and dearest friends will often remain, as you have so much shared history and still so much in common (whether that be personality traits, sense of humour or… children!).
And you get lovely new friends….
This is very true. x
Relocating is a bummer, agreed. I live miles away from most of my friends but we keep in touch in the usual ways. Makes it more fun and exciting when we do meet up though.
I no longer know any of my pre-baby friends except a handful who bred themselves. And I find socialising with those enervating unless we meet minus progeny because we built our relationship in serene, self-indulgent environments, whereas I might have less in common with post natal mates but our friendship has evolved amid flying body fluids and foodstuffs. It’s regular relocations rather than reproduction that stymies things really, though.
I am the first of my friends to have children, and they’ve been great. I don’t feel like I’ve lost friends at all. They are generally really interested in all things baby, and ask me lots of questions about parenting.
It can sometimes feel distant, but that’s on my part because I don’t have the same time I used to to dedicate to phone calls, and because there ARE just some things about parenting that are hard to appreciate unless you are a parent yourself. In a way, I think it’s easier to be the only parent out of my group of friends, as it’s only my time that is split. Imagine trying to keep up with everyone once we all have children and lives to juggle!
This is true – never thought of it like that! And yes, absolutely understand what you mean when you say some things are hard to appreciate unless you’re a parent yourself.
Yes we are! Xxx
*mwah* xx
Aww mol that’s so nice!! Made me feel all gooey Inside!! So true as well… That’s what life is about, friends and family… Friends are fab aren’t they. And I’m not surprised your friends didn’t go anywhere cos your a pretty amazing friend too! 😉 Yay for friends xxx
Aw, it’s a big love-in! xx
Totally agree. I was one of the first from my friends to have a baby and I’m
closer than ever with them, childless or not.
Good friends are amazing aren’t they? x
I couldn’t agree more! I was the first of my group to have a baby and all of my friends became aunts and godmothers, doting on the boy. Granted I didn’t see them as much, after all, we moved out from central London to Suburbia but when I did venture out to dance on tables, it was as if time had stood still! The last 10 years has seen the rest of them produce offspring and we still go out and disgrace ourselves!
I also have new friends as well made through being a mum and we certainly don’t sit there discussing the kids all night!
Friends ROCK and I am blessed to have such good ones
xoxo
Good friends are there to be kept hold of – and yours sound brilliant! I guess friendships are like any relationship, in that you have to put the effort in sometimes to make the most of them. I don’t count dancing on tables and chatting as too much effort though!