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You are here: Home / MOTHERHOOD / Drowning a bit

Drowning a bit

June 7, 2015 by Molly 25 Comments

I’ve always been a busy person. I like to be busy. Even when I’m not busy, I’m busy. It’s both a strength and a weakness. Things get done but, often, I struggle to switch off. Being a naturally busy do-er is actually a bit of a hindrance, I think, in my role as a mum. I have a warped sense of what is manageable and, instead of just focusing on being a mum – making tea, breastfeeding the baby, doing the school run, playing with the kids etc – I try to pack in a million and one extra tasks as well. Making the tea while answering emails, doing the school run while planning work deadlines, playing with the kids while doing the laundry, for example. It means I’m never really focussed on the task at hand, and it’s left me… frazzled.

Recently, I’ve been drowning a bit. A mixture of cumulated sleep deprivation, increased work loads and squeezed time have left me sapped. My usual motivation to get stuff done has withered and died. I’ve let laundry pile up, dust settle and my inbox is fit to bursting. It seems like I’m constantly chasing my tail, often trying to focus through a haze of treacle as my tired brain attempts to create some sort of order in the chaos of life with two children. I hate chasing my tail. 

Part of this is all my fault, of course. If I had a normal job then I’d still be on maternity leave. I wouldn’t need to factor work into life with a small baby and a school-aged child. If I worked in an office, with childcare, then I’d leave the house to go to work and, when I was at home I’d be at home, proper. As it is, it feels like I’m never really off duty. I’m trying to cram work into baby nap times, after I’ve rushed around stuffing endless laundry into the washing machine and shoving a hoover around the place occasionally. “Lower your standards!” my husband tells me. But the truth is, I can’t. I don’t feel happy living in a messy, grubby house. I see the chores that need to be done and I can’t turn a blind eye to them. I wish I could be more laid back about this type of stuff, but it’s in my DNA. It probably doesn’t help that part of my income comes from writing interiors features…

Anyway, something snapped yesterday morning. Baby Girl is teething at the moment and has had a string of bad nights on top of bad nights. It was 5.45am and I was done in. I’d spent the previous two days in Bristol with the baby, to speak at a blog event (check out the #BlogCampUK hashtag by the way) and I was tired to my very bones. “I can’t do this!” I wailed at the (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine. “You’re not giving me proper support!” I accused him. “I NEED SLEEEEEEEEEP!”

He promptly took the kids downstairs and left me alone to sob in the bedroom. I cried myself to sleep and slept for two hours, waking up in just as stinking a mood but, at least, feeling a little less tired. As I showered I started to mull over all the things that I needed to achieve that weekend. I worried about finances and school history day costumes and unwritten features. The time I needed to do all of these things was squeezed into a tiny space, as I realised it just wasn’t possible to get everything done. For the first time in a long time I felt anxious, on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.

I ended up shouting at my four year old when she asked me a simple question. I refused to pick up the baby who was crying. I told my husband I just needed a break and seriously considered walking out of the house and checking into a hotel under an anonymous alias, to sleep for 24 hours straight. Then I wondered if I had post-natal depression.

I don’t have post-natal depression. I know that, in my non-tired, rational state. I just need a bit of help to cope with the growing demands of work and motherhood. It’s not realistic to think I can do it all, on my own. I can’t cram 30 hours of work a week into unreliable baby nap times. I can’t expect to get hours of work done every evening when I’m exhausted and the baby wakes up and needs plenty of cuddles. I can’t keep a clean house when the only time I get to clean is when the baby sleeps – which is when I need to be working.

This post is fast becoming a long tirade of moans, but there is a point to it all. I want to say that if you’re struggling to cope as a mum then don’t beat yourself up. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

For me, talking about the way I was feeling really helped yesterday. I sat down with my husband and poured it all out. I realised that a lot of the panic I feel is due to not being in control of things. I know I have lots of stuff to do but I don’t know when I’ll find the time to actually do it. That makes me feel anxious. I don’t feel organised and on top of things, which adds to the stress. If I wasn’t a planner this would be fine but, again, DNA.

So we made the decision to pay a cleaner to do a few hours for us a month. We discussed the possibility of finding a child-minder to look after Baby Girl for a few hours a week in the autumn. Then I sat down and wrote up a load of email templates, making the job of dealing with my bulging inbox that bit easier. The NLM compiled a two week meal plan. We agreed that we’d do an online weekly shop to make it easier to keep track of what we were spending. We looked at our finances and realised they’re in pretty good shape, we just need to get better at being organised (like we used to be).

And then I felt better. Sometimes you need a meltdown to get things back into focus, it seems. I could breathe again and the urge to leave my lovely life for a bare hotel room didn’t feel so appealing.

How about you? Can you relate to any of this at all?

 

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PS. I’m a finalist in the Best Pregnancy Blog category of The MAD Blog Awards. You can vote for me here. 

Filed Under: MOTHERHOOD Tagged With: life with two kids, mum life, self-employed, working from home, working mum

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Comments

  1. Mandy Lee Miller says

    June 8, 2015 at 10:11 am

    I absolutely feel you! I work from home (business, technology & accounting articles), and I could absolutely NOT do it without my mom here 4 days a week to give me the solitary quiet time needed to do research, write up interview questions, attend meetings, run competitions on the blog and do all the writing needed. I also have a cleaning lady in once a week without whom I would be living under a pile of, well, everything.
    I have said many times before that trying to divide yourself into too many roles means that none of them get the attention they deserve, and for personality types like you and I, that is just not manageable.
    Hubby and I keep meaning to set up online shopping and budgets and just never seem to get there ???? good luck with it all mommy and you are NOT alone x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 8, 2015 at 10:18 am

      Thank you Mandy – it’s so great to hear there are others in the same boat. I’m currently trying to find someone to do the cleaning. I have everything crossed!

      Reply
  2. Hannah Budding Smiles says

    June 7, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    Oh Molly I cried reading this because I’ve done exactly the same thing this weekend! I only have 1 child but family, friends, random acquaintances and uncle Tom Cobbly have all asked me why I want another when Toby’s such a challenging child. Thanks folks! So add a house, husband, blog, freelance work… Basically I know how you feel and I hope that your plan works, I’m sure it will really help *hugs* xx

    Reply
  3. Carie says

    June 7, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    Oh so very yes! I think part of the issue for me is that I can’t plan to do xyz because I don’t know whether there will be nap time and if so for how long, and even in the evening there comes a point where Pip will only sleep in my arms and that’s it, that’s bedtime. For me a plan makes me feel in control so recently I’ve been choosing just one thing each day and trying to let myself relax about the rest of it – easier said than done!

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:56 pm

      I heard some great advice at Blog Camp on Friday in a business talk about choosing just one big thing to get done each day. I’ve taken to writing a list in the morning and including things like “hang up washing” or “unstack dishwasher” just so I have things I can actually cross off it! Your method sounds like very wise advice.

      Reply
  4. Kiran says

    June 7, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Molly I relate to every word. It sounds like you are doing the right thing though by talking it through and deciding on a plan. As you I pretty much gave up freelancing a couple of months ago. After doing it four three years I just couldn’t hack it anymore. I do miss it though! X

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:55 pm

      There are days when I miss being about to physically go to work and know that once I’m there I’ll just be able to crack on and get the job done. I do wonder if I’ll ever go back to working in an office / newsroom / studio. It would mean actually having to factor in thinking about my appearance though, which isn’t something I have much time for at the moment!

      Reply
  5. Alison says

    June 7, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Yep! As I was reading this, I was thinking “I have been there so many times!” and like others above, I only have one child, so I can’t imagine how much more hectic it must be with two. Every 2-3 months I find myself with work piled up, a messy house and end up getting stressed and working all hours to get stuff done. I think it’s an inevitable part of being a freelancer and mum (and blogger). The only advice I have (apart from what you’ve done: talk it through) is to try to prioritise and set realistic goals. I realised I was giving myself unachievable to do lists each day, so I would get to the end of each day and only be able to cross off half of my list. It made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough, so I’ve started putting fewer things on my to do list and numbering them in order of urgency. It’s SUCH a hard juggle at times – I really feel for you. The good thing is: you’re an ace mum and writer. Imagine struggling and being a bit of a crap mum/writer… that would REALLY suck 😉

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:53 pm

      I do love you Alison. You just made me do a proper laugh. That’s an achievement with the mood I’m currently in! x

      Reply
  6. Jess @ Along Came Cherry says

    June 7, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    I can totally relate to this!! I am always in the middle of about fifty things and get stressed because I’m not finishing any of them quickly enough. Luckily I’m not very house proud and mess doesn’t bother me because that is the thing that I usually ignore. Mr C usually gets home to the kitchen looking like a bomb has gone off. It is so so hard to try and work as well as being a mum but the plus side is that my job enables me to be here and not go out to work so if I have to work while the kids are playing sometimes then I try not to feel guilty about it, although of course I still do! x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:52 pm

      One bonus to being so busy – there’s no time for Mother Guilt! x

      Reply
  7. polly says

    June 7, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    YES!!! SO at this point right now…. babies, work, children, homeschool, moving house… somedays I think my head is about to explode.

    I’ve always liked to be busy too, I’m not one to sit and do nothing, yet I have ridiculously high expectations of what I should get done in a day. Just totally not possible with a baby on the scene. Like you, if I had a ‘proper’ job I’d be on maternity leave, as it is I’ve a baby and 3 other kids at home 24/7, too much work AND i’m packing the house up to move….

    I think sometimes you really do need that meltdown to ocme out the otherside…

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:52 pm

      Polly you’re my actual hero. You are AMAZING to juggle everything that you do. Next time I’m having a moment I’m going to channel my inner Polly. WE CAN DO THIS!

      Reply
  8. Natalie Bailey says

    June 7, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    Oh Molly, I can totaly relate to this. And I don’t even have the excuse of work yet as I am still on mat leave. I have been feeling SO overwhelmed by how much there always is to do, and how I don’t feel on top of anything. I have the usual list of things like housework etc, but then I stupidly add a million other things to my to do list that aren’t essential (have just decorated daughters room during baby’s naptimes!) then (I’m an event organiser, so also in my DNA) I also do silly things like organise ‘coffee mornings’ for charity and then realise I have to make shit loads of cakes (which all go wrong as I’m trying to do 8 other things at same time). Then, as a result, I feel guilty I haven’t soaked up my time with baby or listened to 4 yo read her school books enough etc. I seriously need to do something about it and find a way to accept I’m never going to be on top of everything, thinking about meditation?! But in the meantime, I’m sitting here writing a list of things to do this week. Arrrgghhh…

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:51 pm

      Oh blimey Natalie – huge respect for you to be putting on coffee mornings etc. Why do we do it to ourselves eh?! x

      Reply
  9. Rachel says

    June 7, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    Hey Molly, nearly every time you post, I feel like you’re describing my life too. Mum of two (4 years old and 8 mths), self employed freelancer working from home (restarted my work this time when my second was 4 mths – maternity leave? What maternity leave!) and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I’m hopeless at this, but we need to keep remembering to stop and congratulate ourselves for how much we ARE doing (and doing well!) as opposed to worrying about the things we aren’t. The rest can wait: our kids are happy, healthy, and much loved. The work gets done – it always does. And I bet your house is spotless compared to mine! But thank you for reading my mind – it’s a non stop juggling act and we’re allowed to drop something now and then! Much love from one mummy to another! Rachel xx

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:50 pm

      You’re absolutely right. I don’t know why I tend to look at the fails over the wins, I suppose it’s another DNA thing!

      Reply
  10. Sarah Rooftops says

    June 7, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    Oh yes! I only have the one but I’m still adjusting to the whole life-with-a-baby thing – 90% of the time, I feel like I’ve got this; 10% of the time, I’m looking at the dust and the hole in the skirting board and my bulging inbox thinking, no, I don’t. There was one night last week when I found myself wondering where the nearest cheap hotel was so I could run away and sleep for 24 hours – I am SO GLAD to see somebody else had the same thoughts!

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      You’re DEFINITELY not the only one!

      Reply
  11. Fritha Strickland says

    June 7, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    I can so relate to this Molly (although I don’t have two, yet!) but I’m constantly focusing on two things at the same time and feeling like I’m never giving one my full attention. The past few months I’ve been forced to really reduce the amount I’ve taken on and although I wouldn’t naturally have chosen to do this its made me realise just how much I try to do and just how nice it is to focus on the moment at times. That’s not easy obviously with work (I wish I was the sort of person who couldn’t let my house become a state ;)) and I don’t know what the solution is really but I hear you! x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      I hope I haven’t put a downer on the whole two kids thing. Most of the time it’s amazing!

      Reply
  12. Ghostwritermummy says

    June 7, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Molly I can relate to every single word of this. It’s been this way for me since elsie was 3 weeks old. I also have Bella at home 3 days a week and a husband who works away. I constantly try to fit work in around everything else and yes j get the anxious thing too. We are also getting a cleaner and a childminder come autumn- great minds think alike eh? Other than that in not sure what the answer is. I love what I do so I keep doing what i do. Lots of love x x x x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:48 pm

      You have such huge respect from me – to do what you do with four kids is AMAZING. Hurray to the cleaner! x

      Reply
  13. Ruth says

    June 7, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    Yep, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote!! I have 3 kids, aged 5 years, 3 years and 7.5 months. I’m not back at work yet-but I’m in the midst of negotiating with my manager about what hours I’ll do when I return to work in a couple of months. I especially relate to wanting to be in control & to be organised, but feeling the exact opposite! And I’m bone tired when I finally get to bed-but then have trouble switching off, because I’m thinking & planning for multiple different things!

    Reply
    • Molly says

      June 7, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Finding the motivation to do anything other than sit on the sofa when you’re bone tired is tough, huh? I’m glad I’m not the only one!

      Reply

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Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

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Tonight should be our first night on holiday in Sp Tonight should be our first night on holiday in Spain. Made up for it with a meal outside at the village pub and a “late” bedtime (any evening out past 8pm is late for us!). Devon is heaven ❤️ #mumlife
ALL children have the right to feel good about the ALL children have the right to feel good about themselves and their body - not just the ones who “look healthy”. Children are being taught at a younger and younger age that their body is a problem that needs to be fixed. 
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The current climate of intense body shaming disguised as health concern is creating policies which actively damage the relationship children have with their bodies. There is a huge amount of evidence showing that the better kids feel about their body, the more likely they are to make choices that make their body feel good - like taking part in movement or eating in a happy, intuitive way. 
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Making health all about weight not only damages kids’ body image, making them either feel like their body is “wrong” or fear it becoming “wrong”, it also gives a free pass to the diet industry to aggressively market their products at children, under the guise of health. Ironically, encouraging kids to engage in dieting and habits which are actively bad for their health. This culture affects ALL children.
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And of course this version of health, and this focus on making kids’ bodies the problem, lets the politicians off the hook. Easier to put the nation on a diet instead of investing in policies which will reduce inequality and give everyone access to the things needed to live a full and healthy life.
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There is a silver lining though, because we can choose to be part of the solution. We can say no to diet culture at home and challenge it when it pops up in the spaces kids should be safest.
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If you’re a teacher our Body Happy Kids workshop is an intro to this subject with tools for creating body happy spaces for the children in your care. Find out more and sign up via my bio. ❤️ #BodyHappyKids
To lift the mood after the last week, here’s a t To lift the mood after the last week, here’s a throwback to this time last year when I roped my husband into filming me for an alternative Love Island title sequence. Out of shot: a packed beach full of people confused why a woman is doing multiple bikini changes under a towel and instructing her husband on different camera angles while her bemused children look on 😂. The video was an alternative title sequence for if Love Island was filmed in Devon and featured a mum the “wrong” side of 35 and the “wrong” side of a size 10. 🔥 HAPPY BLOODY FRIDAY you lovely lot 🥂🥂🥂 #BodyHappyMum #MumsGoneWild
[Stat from @themilitantbaker’s brilliant TED Tal [Stat from @themilitantbaker’s brilliant TED Talk] 
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Poor body image and weight stigma are serious public health issues. These are complex, far reaching issues that impact us on an individual and societal level in many ways. This thread isn’t to say that each of these things alone accounts for the fact kids as young as three are feeling bad about their body, but combined, they create an environment that makes it really tough for children (and adults) to like their body just as it is, regardless of what it looks like.
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If you care about health you need to be aware that weight stigma kills and poor body image has serious health implications. Want kids to eat more nutrient dense food and move their body? Stop shaming them and teaching them their body is wrong, because research shows body hate is NOT a long term motivator for treating a body with care or respect. 
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And then realise that even when kids ARE eating more nutrient dense food and moving more this will not guarantee their body will shrink. And this doesn’t mean they are unhealthy, despite what the headlines might tell you.
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Kids’ bodies don’t need “fixing”. Society needs fixing. Give every child access to good food and safe spaces to move and play. Eradicate inequality and discrimination, challenge stigmatising language. Raise awareness in the mainstream media of what many health professionals already know: health is complex, multi-faceted and is hugely impacted by socio-economic conditions. Saying it’s all down to “personal responsibility” lets the politicians off the hook. 
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Maybe then, as a nation, we can have a fair crack at good health. Until then I’d argue it’s not about health at all, it’s about money. 
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#bodyimage #BodyHappyKids
In an alternate universe I’d be packing for a ho In an alternate universe I’d be packing for a holiday to Cantabria in Spain right now. Yet here we are. This summer is brought to us by Argos (paddling pool) and Monki (cozzie). FYI I’m still bikini all the way, but prefer a cozzie for when I get serious doing lengths at the pool 🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️🏊‍♀️ #bodyhappymum
Did you know that many of the health outcomes blam Did you know that many of the health outcomes blamed on being in a bigger body can be attributed to weight stigma and weight cycling rather than the weight itself? But despite a huge amount of evidence showing this to be the case it’s rarely reported in the mainstream media and doesn’t form the basis of health policy. 
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You know what’s also bad for health? Inequality. Again, not something informing policies that conveniently apportion blame and simplify weight as all being down to personal responsibility and “lifestyle choices”. 
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If this government really cared about the health of the nation they’d look at the impact of weight stigma and inequality and create health drives based on these things, instead of saying that putting calorie counts on food labels or telling people to go for a bike ride would make everything better. 
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I am all for people living in a healthy way, if they wish to and if they can. Eat nutrient dense food, sure! Move your body, sure! Just don’t assume this will automatically lead to weight loss, or that anyone in a bigger body isn’t already doing these things. 
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The latest focus on the weight of the nation makes me scared for how this will impact children. Will kids get put on diets and begin a lifetime of harmful weight cycling? Will it give yet another green light for bigots to go on national TV and say hugely discriminatory, offensive and uneducated things about people in bigger bodies, thereby perpetuating the weight stigma that we know is so bad for health? Probably. But who cares as long as £££ is being made and the weight loss industry is booming. 
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It’ll keep us all distracted from issues like the inexcusable number of children living in poverty and the many families in the UK struggling to access nutrient dense food.
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Look beyond the headlines and the health rhetoric, know that the shape of your body does not signify your worth as a person. And challenge any person or article telling you different.
#bodyimage
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