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You are here: Home / MOTHERHOOD / Mum life challenges: it’s not forever, but that doesn’t help me today

Mum life challenges: it’s not forever, but that doesn’t help me today

October 11, 2017 by Molly 7 Comments

If I had a pound for the number of times “it’s not forever” has been uttered in my ear in the wake of one parenting disaster or another, I’d probably live in a mansion in the Maldives rather than a three bed cottage in Devon. Ditto “It’s just a phase” / “enjoy them while they’re young” / “it goes so fast” etc etc.

While I know these phrases always come from a place of heartfelt meaning and kindness, they just don’t help. Not today, anyway. Because the thing is, I know it’s not forever. I know they’re only little once. I know I need to make the most of them while they’re young. So when I’m not? I get a double dose of mum guilt served up with a side of “I’m a bad person” drama.

You know what? The truth is, I don’t enjoy every moment of mum life. In fact, if I’m brutally honest, recently there have been some days when I haven’t enjoyed mum life at all. I feel like a horrible person for admitting this, but it’s really hard to enjoy the company of someone when they’re throwing glitter into every orifice of your home or screaming at you when you offer them the wrong colour socks. It might seem like jokes and lols and chirpy parental camaraderie but, actually, after a while the constant toddler mayhem and inability to go for a solo wee for 20 seconds grinds you down a bit. Or it does me, at least.

The thing is, it’s a very different thing to say you don’t always like the company of your child compared with you don’t LIKE your child. I like both my children very much. I love them from the tops of the fluffy hair on their head down to the tips of their tiny toenails. But do I always like being with them? No.

Of course it’s just a phase. And I know it’s not forever. And yes I’m grateful for having healthy happy kids and a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. But it is possible to feel simultaneously lucky and #blessed while also wishing you could clap your hands and just have one moment – one teensy tiny 2 minute moment – without a small person hammering you with a barrage of irrational requests and threenager meltdowns.

Our best weekdays are ones where I can give Effie 100% attention 100% of the time. Days where we drop Freya at school and go for an adventure. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do, so long as I’m entirely focused on her she is happy. The picture of content, an angel child that people literally stop me in the street to comment on. We can’t walk 20 paces without her making a new friend or an old lady bending down to ask her her name or tell her how lovely and beautiful she is. On those days we’re the picture of Insta-perfection. Happy mum and happy child, walking hand in hand chattering away, loving being together.

But of course not every day can be like that. Some days need to include laundry, or life admin phone calls to the bank, or a quick email, or just basic tidying of dirty dishes. Or even – heaven forbid – a trip to the toilet. And these are the days I struggle with. Because Effie currently needs 100% of my attention 100% of the time and, actually, it’s 100% impossible to give it.

As I cried down the phone to my husband earlier, he repeated the “it’s not forever” line. It was his desperate attempt to cheer me up after a pretty disastrous morning. But all it did was make me feel worse. It made me worry I would look back on these days with regret at not “cherishing” every moment. It made me feel guilty for looking forward to January when Effie will be in pre-school for three full days a week. It made me wonder if it was possible to put off laundry, life admin and all other related essentials of adult life until January – because, ideally, that’s what I’d need to do in order to enjoy every moment with my mini whirlwind before she ups her hours at pre-school.

I DO cherish all the good moments, really I do. But the shit ones? Those I’d rather forget. As for forever, I’ll be the first to admit that rather than be sad it’s not forever, I’m GLAD. Who wants a tantrum to stretch to infinity or a life of never-ending company on the toilet? Not me. And I don’t think that makes me a bad mum, just an honest one.

Filed Under: Babies, Kids, MOTHERHOOD Tagged With: mum life, mum life challenges, parenting fails, raising toddlers, real mum life

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Comments

  1. O says

    October 15, 2017 at 10:59 am

    Sometimes we tend to generalise because something doesn’t work for us, and the truth is that, such generalisations are not always helpful. I have actually found the phrase “it’s not forever” and “it’s just a phrase” quite helpful at times, as it gives me a sense of perspective. You may not like something at a point, but that doesn’t make it “the worst thing” one can say, neither does it mean that others won’t find it helpful. I’ve personally not felt guilty when someone says that, because I know that they usually understand and are trying to be reassuring, because they may have been there before. It’s okay not to want someone to say something to you, but it’s not necessarily okay to say it’s the worst thing that someone can say to ANY parent, because you don’t know whether someone else will find it comforting.

    Reply
  2. Ruth says

    October 11, 2017 at 9:21 pm

    Oh wow! It’s sometimes freaky how you almost exactly describe what I’m going through and how I’m feeling!! I know this stage isn’t forever, but I am looking forward to the different stage of (hopefully) more uninterrupted sleep and maybe just a little bit less chaos?! ?

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 11, 2017 at 9:45 pm

      Fingers crossed! xx

      Reply
  3. Hannah says

    October 11, 2017 at 5:27 pm

    After literally the most horrendous toddler rage meltdown this morning from my three year old, I really needed to read this- thank you. Having spent most of the day in tears I have no more 100% to give. There are a lot of external factors at the moment creating as my husband called it (from 5000 miles away in San Francisco) ‘a perfect storm’. I am so glad this won’t last forever either but I am already scared of having to do it again when my 8 month old gets to this stage. Thank you again this literally couldn’t have come on a better day. Also I’m sorry you are finding it shit too, you aren’t alone x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 11, 2017 at 9:46 pm

      Oh Hannah, wish I could give you a big hug. Yes, it’s been one of those days here too!

      Reply
  4. Susie at This is me now says

    October 11, 2017 at 4:41 pm

    So true Molly! I’ve just come back from picking up my toddler from nursery and reserved a second day for her to start next month, even though her baby brother/sister isn’t (hopefully) arriving for another two months. It’s more to make sure she’s settled but also to give me a break and some rest. But oh the guilt. I feel guilty because I’m at home (admittedly “pretend working” as many see it, on a blog!) but still, the guilt is always there. I think you’ve just described how every normal mum I know feels. Felt for you earlier with your glitter drama. We had blue chalk on the cream carpet and that made me cry!! Ha! Xx

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 11, 2017 at 9:47 pm

      Argh blue chalk on carpet! Yep we had blue felt tip pen on my rug. Can’t get it out. Argh! xx

      Reply

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Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

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If you feel bad about your body you’re less like If you feel bad about your body you’re less likely to do nice things for it, including moving in a way that feels good and eating in a way that feels good. (FYI health is about more than just exercise and nutrition, but let’s get deeper into the exercise thing for a second...)
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Research shows kids who have low body image are less likely to get involved with sports and more likely to skip PE. 
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Want kids to move more? Stop teaching them that one type of body is better than another - because if their body doesn’t look like your version of a healthy / beautiful / successful body not only will they be more likely to feel shame over their body, they’ll be less likely to engage with the very behaviours you want them to do more of (or be more likely to engage with them in an UNhealthy way - compulsive exercise is dangerous).
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Instead:
💕Try talking about the intrinsic benefits of exercise over the extrinsic ones (ie. how it makes you FEEL instead of how it makes you LOOK).
✨Create opportunities for movement where ALL children feel welcome. 
💕Show children diverse representation so they can see sporting heroes with a range of body types and know that movement is for EVERYbody. 
✨Take a zero tolerance approach to appearance based bullying, body shaming and comments that perpetuate weight stigma (including even the hint that fat = bad). 
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(If you’re a teacher or youth leader interested in knowing more about this topic, a #BodyHappyKids workshop will help - follow the link in my bio 🥰❤️)
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[Image description: A multicoloured slide with an overlaid screenshot of tweet by Molly which reads ‘If your intention is to “get kids healthy” then you need to be aware of how weight bias, weight stigma and poor body image are active barriers to health. The end.]
Sharing this outfit pic with you because it’s a Sharing this outfit pic with you because it’s a crying shame only the piles of laundry got to see it, quite frankly. Finally, a pair of pre-loved jeans bought online that are true to size, consistent with the rest of the brand’s sizing and actually fit! 🎉 
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PS heads up - I’ll be doing a Q&A about body image and kids in my Stories on Friday. The Q sticker is up in my Stories now if you’d like to submit a Q! 💕 #BodyHappyKids
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[Image description: Molly is standing in front of the mirror looking very pleased with the fact her new jeans bought from Depop fit her. She is wearing pink patterned jeans with cherubs on them, a pink check jumper and pink trainers. There are piles of laundry on the bed behind her.]
Another photo of us on a walk, because it’s been Another photo of us on a walk, because it’s been our main form of entertainment this year. Anyone else? 
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I honestly now get excited about putting my boots on and being outdoors, even in the rain. I’m going to start hugging trees next and going on wild camping weekends that involve doing a poo behind a tree and making my own fire. Joke.... maybe. 
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Just another reminder that all movement is valid, exercise doesn’t need to have to be about burning calories or even tracking steps in order for it to be “worth it”. Hope everyone’s had a great weekend ❤️
#BodyHappyMum #JoyfulMovement
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Image description: Molly and her two daughters stand on a bridge in the countryside. They are all wearing hiking boots and outdoor clothes and smiling.
My body is good and excellent and my body only bel My body is good and excellent and my body only belongs to me ✨ (Words by Effie May, age 6 💕) #BodyHappyMum
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Image description: A close up of Molly’s bare skin as she hugs herself. It’s dark and part of her body is illuminated by light. She has her eyes closed and is smiling.
“Mummy I wrote a letter to myself,” she said. “Mummy I wrote a letter to myself,” she said. And my heart swelled. Maybe I’m doing an OK job after all 🤞❤️💕 #BodyHappyKids 
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I could leave this caption here but I need to make something clear: if you think it’s great that my daughter - a thin, white, nondisabled, cisgender kid - feels good in her body but you’re not here for the self-love of any kid who doesn’t look like her.... then you’ve missed the point.
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ALL bodies are good bodies, and without this important piece of the puzzle ALL children will be at risk of doubting their body. And what happens when they doubt their body? Well... hating our body doesn’t make us treat it with love, and the same is true of kids. 
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Great, now we’ve cleared that up, can we take a moment to appreciate the incredible phonetic spelling on show here?! 
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Image description: Effie, age 6, stands against a white wardrobe holding up a letter she has written to herself. It is spelled phonetically and reads “My body is good and excellent and my body only belongs to me.”
I used to struggle to buy stuff for myself if I ha I used to struggle to buy stuff for myself if I had any spare cash - not just treats, but basics like pants and tights that fit properly. I’d tell myself I didn’t need it, didn’t deserve it, couldn’t justify the expense. There’s still that little voice (the habit of putting everyone else’s needs first and my own last dies hard it seems) but I’m leaning into exploring why it still sometimes rears its head, instead of always listening to it. 
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I’m trying to buy as much as I can from pre-loved places or small businesses these days, which is why I’m very happy to share with you some of my latest finds: a star dress from Depop (£5), earrings from @kelzojewellery by @ourtransitionallife (£12) and the comfiest tights I’ve ever owned in Raspberry Pie by @snagtights (£6.99) 💕💕💕
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Have you found any great small brands lately? Shout them out in the comments so we can all support in the run up to Christmas. ⬇️⚡️
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Image description: Molly is smiling and sticking out her tongue to the camera. Her hair is freshly dyed a light shade of pink. She’s wearing a pink t’shirt underneath a black and white star patterned slip dress, with bright pink tights and black and pink earrings decorated with a boob design.
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