One of my biggest regrets of the past three years is that I wasted so much time worrying. I was a worrier with a capital W. I worried about where we were going to live, what we were going to do for work and what school my daughter would eventually go to. I worried about all sorts of things but, mainly, I worried about the future.
I am a planner you see. I wish I wasn’t but I am. So there you go. This means that, although we lived in a pretty little cottage in a lovely village in Berkshire not far from London, I couldn’t relax. It was all so… temporary.
We rented our house and lived on a rolling short term tenancy contract. Buying a house was on our “To Do” list, not because we aspired to owning property particularly but because tenants in this country hardly have any rights or security and, after 6 years renting we’d had enough. We wanted to put down roots properly but knew the chances of affording anything bigger than a shoebox in that part of the UK was nigh on impossible.
I can vividly remember getting so panicked about the future when Frog was six months old that I was in tears by the time the (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine returned home from work. Having had no one to talk me off the ledge of my own worry I’d wound myself up into a complete state.
Other mums at the baby and toddler groups would discuss optimum age gaps between siblings, planning pregnancies and school start times, while I fretted. I knew I couldn’t afford to return to my old job – I’d barely break even once I’d shelled out for petrol and childcare fees. Work woes took over house woes at that time. I was fixated on setting myself up as a freelancer on the first step towards our Master Plan.
Everyone told me to “live in the moment” and “enjoy this special time” while my baby was small. And I tried to. I really did. But it’s easier to live in the moment when you know your future is secure. All the time, at the back of my mind, was this vague sense of unease as a big knot of worry tangled in my stomach.
“Things will turn out OK in the end,” my mum reassured me. I wanted to believe her but I couldn’t.
When I got a new contract we decided to save everything I earned and try really, really hard to get a deposit together to buy a house – even though we didn’t know where that house would be.
We only had the luxury of saving because I was basically working two jobs – around 80 hours a week – and the NLM earned enough for us to live on. If we earned less there’s no way that would have been possible.
18 months ago things were coming to a head. The house we lived in was owned by a lovely family in the same village. They’d decided they wanted to move back in, meaning we had to move out. That was OK – we’d told them we wanted to move out in the summer anyway. But it gave us an added pressure to actually get a Plan B in place.
I used to lie awake at night worrying that the NLM wouldn’t get a job in a different area before the cut-off point for teaching posts (if he didn’t have one sorted by May half term we knew we’d have to stay in the area until Christmas). Until his job situation was all sorted we couldn’t make any house plans. That made the planner in me feel a bit sick.
And then it happened. It turned out my mum was right all along. The NLM got a new job – 200 miles away in South Devon. It meant we could move to an area 45 minutes from my parents’ place. We wouldn’t be so isolated from family and, another bonus, houses were far, far cheaper there compared to Berkshire.
One year on and here we are.
We’ve been in Devon for a year now. We rented a house for six months while we got our mortgage sorted and found a house to buy in a little village on the edge of Dartmoor. Within a month of picking up the keys for that house I became pregnant. Frog will start at the village primary school in September, just before the new baby is due to arrive.
Life is calm now. That ball of worry disappeared nearly a year ago. We are settled, happy and enjoying life properly, finally.
The last three years have taught me a few things. To trust my mum when she gives me advice. That being a planner isn’t always a bad thing. That worry about things you can’t control is pretty pointless. And that working hard isn’t always enough – you need a fair amount of good luck too.
It’s not that we weren’t happy before. I have hundreds of happy memories from before our Devon days and many friends who I still miss. But this is a new type of happy. It’s a contented happy that, as a family, is still pretty new to us.
So here’s to one year in Devon. And hopefully many more to come…Follow
Gill Crawshaw says
Congrats, what a great milestone to be celebrating! Lovely how things always work out in the end. Also, my mum always used to say ‘new house = new baby’ which seems to have been true for both is us x
Your mum sounds very wise!
As you know, we love the area where you live as we stay just down the road! I’ve often thought about whether we should move down there but it would be a big move for us with the children older and a more established lifestyle here. Having your own home really does make SUCH a difference, I agree.
Hopefully, we’ll be able to meet up for coffee or something this year when we are down.
Definitely! Or a cream tea. I mean, when in Devon and all that…
I can’t believe it’s been a whole year! Glad you are so settled, onwards & upwards! x
I can’t believe it either! Although in some ways it feels like we’ve been here forever. x
Looking for blue sky says
So pleased it’s all worked out for you x
Thank you – I wouldn’t have believed you if you’d told me 3 years ago that this is where we’d be!
Fi Star-Stone says
Lovely post Molly – I can’t believe it’s been a whole year already!
The song in your video is a favourite of mine, it’s mine and my hubs song and we had it at our wedding. Love it!
I’ve always loved it ever since it was on Romeo and Juliet. I was 13 when that film came out. I can’t believe it was that long ago!
Ghislaine Forbes says
Fabulous photos and wonderful memories. Actually made me feel quite teary seeing F getting older and looking so happy. She’s clearly had no tantrums in the last year ! Love ma x
You never get teary! You’ve been hanging around with Dad too long. Getting soft in your old age! xxxx
Charlotte - Write Like No One's Watching says
Oh this pleases me Moll. I’m so happy that the ball of worry has gone and things did work out. I think your mum is a very wise lady indeed.
I have a big ball of worry that I’m working on. I have a home, but affording it alone leaves me wide awake most nights and staring at the ceiling. It’s not a life I thought I’d be living and, as a fellow planner, you know how frustrating that can be when plans don’t work out. I know that, further down the line, chances are I’ll have a man right there by my side, in home as well as heart, and things will be easier. But just getting to that point leaves me wishing my life away in hope that time will speed up and my big ball of worry will go away for good.
But you’ve reminded me to enjoy the time I do have, here and now. Bill won’t be two forever, and I want to enjoy what I do have, while I have it. I know that I’m shit at commenting, but this really resonated with me. And I’m happy for you. xx
Remember Charl – things will turn out OK in the end! My mum is usually right about these things, trust me. xxx
Love your mum. Love you – you big daft worrier.
In the words of Patrick Swayze in Ghost: “Ditto”. x