Maybe it’s just me, but when I became a mum I suddenly became really aware of all the things you shouldn’t do when you have kids.
I’m not talking parenting fails or parenting tribalism. I’m on about the mum-bashing type of Facebook updates and Tweets that you see, alluding to some sort of parenting / non-parenting divide in the world.
Terrified I’d become one of *those* mums, I restricted (or, attempted to restrict) gushy status updates about my new baby. Equally, I held myself back from posting running commentaries about my child’s sleeping / eating / sleeping / eating habits. Mainly, it wasn’t that interesting to me – let alone anyone else – but I was also aware that I didn’t want to annoy people without kids.
But something dawned on me this weekend. And it’s a funny thing because it’s not something I’ve particularly realised before now.
I am a mum. I have a child. I have all the battles and elation and emotions that come with being a parent. But it’s not ALL I am. My relationship to Frog doesn’t completely define me. And you know what? I think my friends know that.
The so-called “parent vs non-parent divide” is just in my head. And on Facebook. And on various websites that are seemingly set up to diss parents who go on about their kids. But in real life, is there really a divide? Not in my world.
I went to a wedding at the weekend. It was brilliant. I watched one of my loveliest friends get married to a brilliant bloke and, afterwards, I partied with parents and non-parents alike. We were without our three year old, so anyone who didn’t know us wouldn’t know we were in the “parent category”. But I chatted with guests who had kids, danced with toddlers on the dancefloor and swilled wine with people who aren’t parents.
At no point did the fact I was a parent put me in some kind of box in the room. And at no point did I put anyone who wasn’t a parent into that other box.
I didn’t talk about whether they wanted kids, were trying for kids or had no interest in becoming parents. We chatted about the gorgeous food, how amazing it was to see our friends so happy, the genius choice of a Katy Perry song as the first dance and what was happening on the news that day.
Conversations were wide-ranging and non-limiting. There was no sense of competition or judgement or, well, anything negative at all. And I don’t think that was just because it was a bloody excellent day.
To a certain degree there is a sense that you join a “club” when you become a mum. When you meet other mums I guess you’ve automatically got something in common, in that you’ve both got a kid.
But, sometimes, that might be all. Conversations beyond your role as a mum might be limiting, because there’s no other common ground between you. And, in just the same way, you might have LOADS in common with someone who isn’t a mum (or a dad).
At this wedding I was chatting to someone who asked me about my daughter. “I love the pics you put of her on Facebook – she’s so cute!” she said. “Oh no – I’m sorry about that!” I replied, immediately thinking I was one *those* mums. “Not at all – I like it!” she assured me. “I think they’re lovely.”
And that’s it really. She wasn’t offended by my pictures in just the same way I wasn’t offended by the updates about my mates’ nights out or impromptu trips to the pub, that are rare for me these days.
If a friend has had a bad day at work I don’t immediately think, “Blimey, she knows NOTHING about a bad day” just because she hasn’t got kids. And I don’t pity the people who don’t have kids, because they’re “missing out” on all the good sides of being a parent.
We’re all people after all.
Or maybe that’s just me. What do you think?
*Obligatory cute kid picture*
See over sharers on Facebook do my head in.
I am a parent, I like to think I have a wide range of interests, however, those types that share it all… numbers of times up in the night, what the child ate for lunch or didn’t (and yes, I’ve seen all that), I’m afraid I ‘hide’ them, sometimes I go as far as to un-friend. I share photos of my son, I think photos are easier to skim past but I didn’t give updates on his potty training or milestones because I think it’s dull and I’m not that interested in someone else’s, so why would they be interested in mine. Clearly, I am the worst type of facebooker.
Interesting discussion. I think people should share what they like on Facebook and their ‘real’ friends will be interested. On a related topic, my friend is having trouble conceiving and seeing so many cute baby pics and pregnancy scans on Facebook has begun to upset her. But she didn’t complain, she’s just made a conscious decision not to go on Facebook so often!
Freya doesn’t look ready for bed! Or is it the morning? Love ma x Loved sharing my bed with the little blighter whilst you were partying. x x
You have a kid?
I thought we were just drinking buddies x
This is why you are my friend. x
Great blog Molly. And so true – some of my best friends are mummies and there’s so divide. I think it’s an individual thing though. I have other friends who constantly say ‘you have no
Idea what tiredness is till you have a child’ or another one ‘until you have a child you have no idea what busy means’. I find those kind of attitudes infuriating. And you’re right about Facebook – just in general a lot of ‘judging’ happens there. On our radio station website I’ve had hostile remarks from women about me not being a mum and I think – they have no idea if I’m planning on being a mum, trying to be a mum, can’t be a mum or maybe don’t want to be a mum. Think the rule is – just be happy in yourself and don’t listen to other people’s judgements x
It’s such a shame when people try to out-do each other isn’t it? No matter what you do or where you are in your life, if you’ve had a bad day or you’re tired – or whatever – it still counts! One-upmanship is not an attractive trait, in any guise! Thanks for the lovely comment Charlie. xx
Couldn’t agree more 😉 Me and my husband have a massive life outside of our one year old and its been like that from the start. We’re really lucky to have doting grandparents on our doorstep and because of that we actually manage to go out at least once a week, usually twice! Which is probably why we mange to switch off from our mummy/daddy roles so well… I actually tend to shy away from spending time with other parents, prefer to be the only one with a child and keep all conversation around adult subjects! lol xx
Maybe people should learn to accept their friends for who they are rather than what they are? Having children (or not) is a progression in life and shapes who you become – and the way in which social media is integrated in our lives will always mean that we now share events that are important to us, much in the same way we catch up on the telephone, used to share holiday photos when we met up or compare development at peer groups (eg. parent and toddler group).
That’s a really good point. And I think the idea that people might be loathe to share certain parts of their life just because it doesn’t “fit” with a notion of who they were before is a shame. We all change, kids or not.
I love this Molly x
It’s so true….. I get para sometimes about the whole ‘non parent’ thing. Afraid to offer and advice to people who are asking for fear of them saying ‘ how would you know?!’ xx
I’d never turn down advice from you Emma – you are wise. But I know what you mean, and I think it’s a shame. x
I’m an “Over sharer”, always have been, always will be – before I was married with Daughters, I wore my heart on my sleeve and my life was an open book so no subjects or questions were off limits!!
When Facebook arrived in my life, I saw no reason to change this about myself, even less reason as the Girls began to arrive!!
My friends know me and love me for who I was then and who I am now – in fact, if I’m a bit quiet for a few days people start to complain that they miss reading about the Girls antics……it’s been suggested, on more than one occasion, that I should start a blog to record the “You-couldn’t-make-this-stuff-up” things they get up to and come up with!!
I’d like to think I would never pass judgement on what people choose to share, parent related or not, on FB…..If it’s not something that really interests me, I simply don’t read it!!
That sounds like a very sensible way to be Kate. And, for what it’s worth, I’m the same!
I am agog at the very idea that I can go to a wedding without children *finds random to invite her to wedding* Well said!!
It coincided with our wedding anniversary, so my parents stepped in. Very kind of them!