It’s happened again.
The ritual humiliation, pain and constant pummelling of self-esteem. The sweaty socks, sweaty pants and sweaty bum crack. The sickeningly toned beautiful people. The hot room, the weights and the constant never-ending bouncing-bloody-squats.
Yes, it’s Bootcamp time.
After the pants-wetting and hairy toe episodes of last week, it’s fair to say I’m the least popular Bootcamp victim. But just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.
Again, I made a promising start. I survived the kettle bell drill. For those of you unfamiliar with this method of torture, it involves standing up, bending down, lifting, pushing and bouncing. All while holding a heavy weight and doing your best not to fart.
I also survived the running back and forth across the room while being shouted at. Without wetting my pants. Or farting.
All in all, I was feeling pretty smug. And sweaty.
But then I got to the car park. I wasn’t in the best of shapes. The smugness was giving way to a dazed and confused feeling. With a bad case of trapped wind.
The car park was dark. It was cold. I was scared.
I fumbled in my pocket and grabbed my key. The trapped wind was turning into a stabbing pain deep in my stomach. I pushed my key into the lock and…nothing happened. I was getting desperate. As the pain intensified, terrifying scenarios started to run through my head…I’m going to get mugged, I’m going to have to ring the police, I don’t have my phone, my car’s broken down, the baby’s going to wake up and I’m miles from home. I’m going to get mugged…
And then a sharp tap on my shoulder.
This is it. I’m being mugged. It’s actually happening. Please don’t hurt me.
I turn to find one of the Beautiful People staring angrily at me.
Turns out I’d only been trying to get into the wrong bloody car. The sheer relief that I wasn’t being mugged was all too much. I could hold it in no longer. Yep, that’s right. I did a massive trump.
Great. So now I’m a pants-wetting, hairy toed, flatulent car thief.
Oh Molly! You make me laugh out loud every day!!
That is convenient because you make me laugh too. And your son provides me with lots of blog-worthy material. Love him more than peas and doors xxx
OMG I almost spat out my drink! Soooo funny. I too am battling the post-natal bulge, albeit a whole 20 months after the event!
A whole 20 minutes after the event?! So you’ve literally just given birth and are doing an exercise class right now? That is VERY impressive. Watch out for trapped wind though, that is all I’ll say for now. x
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