When I was pregnant, I had no idea of the minefield that women must endure after they’ve had a baby. I’m not talking about breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding or cry it out vs co-sleeping. I’m talking about labels. Big fat labels that all women are made to wear around their neck once they bring a child into the world.
I’m not a fan of labels. I think they divide us rather than bringing us together. “Attachment Parent”, “Stay At Home Parent”, “Natural Parent”, whatever the label, they all make me feel kind of itchy.
I have no problem with the concepts behind the label, but the idea of belonging to a “club”, likening parenting to being a fan of a particular football team, just doesn’t sit well with me. I was the kid at school who loved Take That but also had a secret soft spot for East 17. So you see, I’ve never been very good at choosing sides.
Of all the labels out there that are thrust upon mothers (and I say “mothers”, because I’ve yet to hear someone use the father equivalent of this label), the one that I detest the most is “Full Time Mum”.
Full. Time. Mum.
Let’s think about that for a second. You’re a mum. And you do this role “full time”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!
Does it mean that you clock in at 9am and leave at 5pm, mumming approximately 40 hours a week? Or does it mean that you are always a mum, spending every second of your day wearing your title proudly?
In truth, I know what “Full Time Mum” is supposed to mean. I’ve heard it used enough times to work out that a “Full Time Mum” is a mother who stays home and doesn’t use childcare. It’s a term that is often used interchangeably with “Stay At Home Mum”.
But “Full Time Mum” is, at best, a rubbish description of this role and, at worst, insulting. It’s insulting to the mums who stay home and it’s insulting to the mums who go to work. After all, if you’re a mum who stays at home, then you don’t get the luxury of clocking off at 5pm. “Full Time Mum” fails to consider the 3am nightmares and the 6am wake-up calls. And if you’re a mum who goes to work, you don’t magically stop being a mum between the hours of 9am and 5pm. You might be in an office miles away from your child, but that doesn’t mean you’re not wondering what he is doing right now, or planning what to cook him for tea tonight. Someone else might be looking after him, but they are sure as hell NOT his mother just because you aren’t there.
And how about the mums who work AT home? What if you work at home while your child is at nursery, or whatever. Are you automatically a “Part Time Mum”? I dare you to call ANY mother a “Part Time Mum” and see what response you’ll get. I’m willing to bet big money that it won’t be pretty.
So there you have it. I don’t think “Full Time Mum” does any “type” of mum justice. I vote we ban it.
I vote we just use the term “Mum” instead.
I’m not a fan of labels either. I don’t really like the breastfeeding/baby wearing labels people like to give themselves too. I know it demonstrates your beliefs and interests but it just makes us all more judgmental I think.
Totally with you on the ‘full time mum’ thing. Probably something the vileness that is The Daily Mail made up anyway.
I do think it’s an inadequate and problematic label but I get why people use it. There’s so much pressure to go back to work that mothers who choose to stay home with their children rather than earn money can be made to feel that they lack ambition or are doing something that isn’t a “proper job” so I guess it’s a rebellion against that. By the same token “attachment parenting” is a rebellion against a popular model of parenting that instructs us to put distance between us and our children as early as possible. It too is inadequate and too open to misunderstanding and abuse but I can see why it exists.
That’s a really measured and logical way of looking at it. I guess labels are always going to be inadequate to some extent. Thank you for your insightful comment! x
I think it is a well intentioned label, to suggest it is a job as well as a role and an event and a ‘all the other bloody things it is’. But you are right, it does seem to fall short.
But then we do have a tendency to do ourselves down – I often say “I’m just a mum” even though that fails to describe me almost totally!
For me, I think the other side of being a “Full Time Mum” suggests you are somehow a “Part Time Mum” which, to many mums I know (working mums / stay at home mums etc etc) is a bit of a hurtful concept. It suggests you are somehow “half” a mum. Also, for those who ARE “Full Time Mums” in the sense that the term is meant, they don’t do the “job” 9-5 Monday to Friday. They don’t get the luxury of clocking off come 6pm or having an hour’s lunch break. I guess that’s why I hate it so much – it doesn’t really serve anyone well!
I think I’m going to be the dissenter here; people use full time mum/dad or SAHM/SAHD to mean that aren’t employed in the sense that you get paid for performing a job in a company. It’s not negative or derogatory just a way for people to know who you are.
Doesn’t mean you are good/bad/lazy whatever just that you are a parent full time along with being a whole lot of other things.
The thing is, I don’t have a problem with the “SAHD / SAHM” label. Or the “Working Mum / Dad” label. It’s the “Full Time” bit that irks me. As I replied to Merry – it’s the idea that if you are not a “Full Time Mum” you are automatically a “Part Time Mum” which carries connotations and loaded meanings of being “half a mum”. Also, for those parents who do stay at home with their children, the “Full Time” label, disregards the fact their working hours are WAY beyond the regular 40 a week! I work from home and my daughter goes to pre-school in the mornings, but I still consider myself a parent full time – and that’s 24/7, 365 days a year, whether she is at home with me or not. I suppose it’s the idea that being a parent is more than just a role – it’s a part of your identity too I guess. For me, anyway.
Totally agree ! We are all mums all the time screw the labels !!
Love the sense you talk. I will never forget when someone I consider to be reasonably intelligent said ‘oh you use a nursery and you don’t even go to work’. Because the work that I was doing at home did not of course count as work. Muppet. Thank you for this post!
Well said! I wish you could see me applauding right now.
When I first saw that term, I had already had my son and was confused as to what it meant. I figured even if you have shared custody, you are still a full time mum. I had found it offensive that if I decided to, or needed to return to work, people would potentially see me as a part time mum. I dislike labels at the best of times but you are right, this is the worst one!
PS – I too was the proud Take That fan with a secret love of East 17!
Hear hear! Another senseless, confusing, divisive and inaccurate label that deserves a prime place in the bin!
I like your stickers by the way, we have those ones too 🙂
Well said….I hate that label too!!
I remember being told when M was a few weeks old ‘do what you do, whatever it is someone will think it is wrong. Motherhood is just one great long guilt trip.’
so true. Every single mother in the world is a full time mother. Whether we drop kids at nursery, school, take them to groups ourselves, we are always there, on call, all the time. Working from home people are quite often condescending. They don’t quite get what it means. My husband does. It means i never switch off. But it works, and my kids have a happy (mostly) mummy who gets to be a grown up and a mummy. Great post, let’s just agree every one of us is a full time mum.
Absolutely – we all are, more than full time in fact! Whoever told you the guilt trip thing was certainly right, great advice right there!
Here, here! I agree with you 100% as a mum who needs to work part time the term ‘full time mum’ is really insulting to me! I will always be a mum no matter where I am! Thank you for your post! 🙂
You’re more than welcome. You’re ALWAYS a mum – no matter what your daily routine!
Well said that woman! The term full time suggests that anything less than staying at home and devoting every minute of every day to your offspring makes you less of a mother. No. Just no.
Too right! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that.
This. Just this. This all of the time. The thing that hurts me the most is when I see those mock CVs – you know the ‘no days off, no sick days, works 24/7′ and it always makes me feel hurt. I do that too. I just don’t do it the same way.
Motherhood is not about quantity, it’s about quality. I wish hugs and kisses made the world go round but they don’t. In the same way that a father is celebrated for earning money for his family, a mum should too. The same way that a mum stays at home and cares for her children, a dad should get that praise too.
You can’t raise a child on love unfortunately. I wish you could, but being a mother is more than a definition. It’s a life. It’s your babies’ lives.
Thanks for writing this Moll. xx
I think the thing about the whole “Full Time Mum” term is that it causes divisions – makes some feel hurt and others feel not valued enough. It doesn’t do ANY of us any favours. I also remember feeling hurt when I heard someone ask me if I minded not being a “Full Time Mum” when I worked in an office. I wanted to shout, “But I’m still a mum!”. It’s not about stay at home vs work etc, it’s about the way labels carry connotations and are so loaded. Of all of them, this has got to be the worst. xx
It also hurts the child – are they part-time orphans? All the arguments I have seen on various threads talk about how the mother feels. If you look at it from the child’s point of view it’s obvious that there are no part-time mums. My daughter knows that I’m there for her even when I’m at work. Just a phone call away!