• SELF LOVE & BODY IMAGE
  • MOTHERHOOD
    • Pregnancy
    • Babies
    • Kids
  • ADVENTURE
  • STYLE
    • Interiors
    • Fashion
    • Beauty
  • FOOD

Mother's Always Right

Mum life, body image, style

  • ABOUT
  • PRESS
  • Podcast
  • Public Speaking
  • YOUTUBE
  • WORK WITH ME
  • #FreeFromDiets campaign
You are here: Home / SELF LOVE & BODY IMAGE / How I broke up with my inner mean girl – overcoming self-doubt for good

How I broke up with my inner mean girl – overcoming self-doubt for good

September 25, 2018 by Molly 3 Comments

Confidence and self-doubt

I used to live with a constant inner mean girl. I named her Susan (Self Doubt Susan to be exact). This is the story of our break-up.

The story starts when I was around nine years old and wore a tartan skirt to school. I loved that tartan skirt. A girl in Year 6 made fun of the skirt though, telling me it was too short. I went home and put the skirt at the back of my wardrobe. That was my first experience of someone else knocking the wind out of my sails. And it was around the point my inner mean girl, “Susan”, first moved in.

She made regular appearances ever since, up to fairly recently. Susan was an amalgamation of all the negative things anyone had ever said to me, but exaggerated. It was Susan who made me believe I’d messed up my A’Levels and it was Susan who told me I “just got lucky” when I opened the results envelope telling me I got straight A’s.

Over the years Susan’s persuaded me not to apply for jobs, not to pitch for work projects and not to attend networking events. If I’ve ever felt like I was doing a bad job as a mum you can bet those thoughts were down to Susan, regularly pointing out all the other mums who were super at crafting and staying patient all the time and keeping an immaculate house.

Susan was all my self-doubt and none of my confidence. There was no criticism that could be levelled at me that Susan hadn’t already thought of. It was exhausting and, ultimately, self-sabotaging.

At the time, I told myself my self-doubt Susan kept me in line, made me a decent person and stopped me getting arrogant or vain. But, looking back, I can see that the self-doubt was crippling and probably held me back from lots of opportunities and experiences that may have enriched my life.

It’s not that I was hiding in my room, alone. I wasn’t. On the outside I was a confident, bubbly person. I travelled to far off places solo, did a pretty cool job on the radio and, later, threw myself into motherhood as a fairly young mum with a relatively non-existent local support network. So I lived my life big. But Susan was always there, ready to jump in and tell me what I was doing wrong, or how I could do better or generally just bring me down on days where I was already feeling a bit vulnerable.

And it was confusing. Because, rationally, I WAS a confident person. I didn’t get nervous about the things that lots of people got nervous about. I did put myself out there. But the difference was, afterwards I’d often over-analyse situations, worry I said the wrong thing, or beat myself up for completely irrelevant reasons. I was constantly conflicted.

The things that would make Susan disappear for short periods were a) doing well at work or getting new work opportunities / b) jumping into new life situations or projects / or c) external validation (being complimented in whatever way by other people). But after those little bursts, Susan would always be back.

Until the past nine months.

I started the year with Susan as my regular housemate. She’d not only moved in, she’d redecorated and put her name on the front door too. Work was quiet, I was a bit bored in my general life as a mum, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin and generally a bit lost. I’d look in the mirror and see a washed-up failure, not the vibrant, funny, clever, loving mum looking back at me.

And then something changed. I’m not sure why, exactly, but I decided 2018 was going to be the year I broke up with Susan for good. I just knew I couldn’t carry on living with those stomach churning feelings of self-doubt and anxiety any longer. It’s exhausting being unkind to yourself and I’d had enough. It sounds simplistic but I really just could not be arsed to live like that any more.

So I started to do a few simple things. Before I went to bed (and I still do this now) I’d remember something I’d done well that day. Even if I had to dig deep to find it, there was ALWAYS something. It might have been cooking a nice tea or giving a stranger a compliment or taking my kids to the park. Sometimes it was big and sometimes it was small, but there was always something.

Gradually I started to actually look at myself in the mirror. Like, properly look. I’d force myself to pick out things I liked about my appearance and I’d turn my head away when I started to focus on the things I wanted to change. I started to carve out space for myself to run again and do yoga. Not because I wanted to alter my body shape but because I wanted to give myself a little bit of head-space and love.

And it worked. It really worked. By March I was feeling like me again. I made a video about being bikini ready and I started to talk more about body image and confidence on here and on Instagram, putting myself out there in a way I hadn’t done in a long time.

Of course, since the break-up Susan’s tried to get back in touch. She’s like the annoying ex who won’t go away and I’ve come to accept that she’ll always be there in the background, trying to slide back into my DM’s when I’m least expecting it. But I’ve changed the locks and changed my number (is this metaphor wearing thin yet?!) I’m so determined not to let her back in.

The irony is, that since I chucked Susan and really started to like myself again I’ve probably had more criticism aimed at me than ever before – at least in such a short space of time. Since April I’ve been told I’m too thin to talk about body image, I’m too fat to share photos of myself in a bikini online, I’m too selfish to be a mum (and leave my kids to work abroad for a few weeks) and I’m too full of myself.

But now, instead of listening to that minority of negativity, I choose to focus on the far bigger picture and the positivity instead. I look at the 99.9% of positive messages and comments over the 0.1% of negative ones. And I no longer wait for those snippets of external validation to tell me I’m doing a good job. I already know I am – however many likes I might get on an Instagram photo.

Ultimately I know I’m a good person, mum and friend. THESE are the things that matter. And when I see others trying to pull people down I feel bad for them, because I figure they are probably still living with their own Susans.

I’m no longer willing to accept what others say about me as truth. I’m no longer willing to let the negative little comments outweigh the good ones. I’m no longer willing to live by a code of self-doubt.

It’s liberating. This is what confidence feels like.

 

 

(P.S. Apologies to all the Susans out there. No offence was intended in the naming of my inner mean girl. I have no idea why she was always a Susan. I’m sure Susans are very nice IRL.)

Filed Under: SELF LOVE & BODY IMAGE Tagged With: anxiety, confidence, happiness, inner mean girl, self-doubt

« Forgotten photos from France
What self care really looks like (hint: it’s not about dieting) »

Comments

  1. Luxin says

    October 30, 2018 at 9:36 pm

    Hi Molly,
    I was googling ‘I know I’m a good person’ (2,040 entries) and found you. Keep up yoga, forget meditation (can bring on insanity). You are your life; not your kids, work, etc. You. Not S either. Just call her S. Truth and Love, Luxin. PS. We are spiritual beings and Life/Love are a spiritual journey. The more we’re sure of that the more negative thoughts subside.

    Reply
  2. Charlene Allcott says

    September 25, 2018 at 11:05 am

    I would love to know what changed. I’m trying to rid myself of a Susan right now. I’ve taken her with me to therapy even though before I go in she tells me I’m being whiny and self indulgent (the bitch :))

    Reply
    • Molly says

      September 26, 2018 at 11:10 am

      Susan is the WORST. It sounds like you’re working hard on getting rid of her. I do think there’s no shame in admitting self-doubt. I did a thing on IG Stories this week and SO MANY people messaged me saying they suffered from it too. For me, it was kind of a conscious decision to really battle it because I could see it was holding me back and making me miserable. Although it wasn’t always easy, I found really forcing myself to focus on the GOOD things about myself started to help me. I’m not sure there was one specific lightbulb moment – more of a gradual re-tuning of the mind I think. xx

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

  • Bloglovin
  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter

YOUTUBE

INSTAGRAM

Dear PE teachers (and everyone), don’t do this 💔
.
If you’re a PE teacher and you’re interested in engaging more kids in class then lose the diet culture and body shaming messaging - even if it’s meant in jest. Research shows kids who feel comfortable in their body are more likely to take part in sports, and movement is for ALL bodies, not just the kids with super athletic toned ones. 
.
Want more insight and help with this stuff? Sign up to a Body Happy Kids workshop - we’ve got you. Oh, and read Train Happy by @tallyrye in the meantime.
.
And parents - if your kids experience this type of messaging in their school setting absolutely challenge it. We’ve got a template letter on the #FreeFromDiets website you can tweak and a downloadable info pack about the workshops you can send to your school if you’d like them to sign up. Just hit the Workshops link in my bio and scroll down towards the bottom of the page.
.
Creating a body happy setting can: 
⚡️increase engagement in class 
⚡️increase engagement in movement 
⚡️increase academic attainment 
⚡️increase happiness, confidence and overall wellbeing
⚡️help kids be more likely to engage in health promoting behaviours 
(And that’s just for starters).
.
PS. I’m not coming for teachers - my husband is one. BUT research shows weight bias is often more common in PE teachers than other subject areas so this is a conversation worth having. 
#BodyHappyKids
I turn 37 in three weeks. When I was younger I use I turn 37 in three weeks. When I was younger I used to think 37 was old. It was “grown-up”, boring, over-the-hill. 
.
By the time you were 37 you had your life figured out, wore sensible clothes and had waved goodbye to the fun stuff. 
.
It’s no surprise I thought that really. Women aged 37 and over - particularly mums - were invisible. The only representations of older women on screen were the matriarchs. Ad campaigns and magazines featured young women in their “prime” (side note: 🤮 hate that phrase - what does “prime” even mean? We’re not cuts of meat. “Prime” baby making age? Is making babies all we’re good for?!)
.
There was no space for any other version of women over 35. Women over 35 weren’t playful, fun, adventurous, sexual, curious. Women over 35 were Responsible, Sensible, Dutiful.
.
Well that’s not what 37 is going to look like for me. Sure I do school runs and meet deadlines and wash smelly socks. But I also play and dance and adventure and enjoy my body. I feel like I’m just getting going to be honest. 
.
37 is going to be a big year. I’m excited. I’m ready. And I’m certainly not invisible. Bring it on.
.
#BirthdayCountdown #MumsGoneWild
Every year @GirlGuiding publishes something called Every year @GirlGuiding publishes something called the Girls’ Attitudes Survey. It’s a big piece of research into the thoughts and feelings of the girls in their community and gives an insight into some of the things that are important to girls and young women in the UK today. 
.
The early findings of the 2020 survey have been released and the headline is (surprise, surprise) girls feel under intense pressure to look a certain way and it’s damaging their confidence and wellbeing. 
. 
Here are some of the stats:
.
⚡️80% of girls and young women have considered changing how they look. 
.
⚡️51% of girls aged 7-10 believe women are judged more on what they look like than what they can do (this figure is up from 35% in 2016).
.
There’s also the finding that two thirds of girls support legislation to stop them seeing ads for diet products and weight loss clubs. 
.
It makes for pretty devastating reading but is worth looking at, particularly if you have a daughter - I’ll link to the early findings in my Stories and the full report will be out next month.
.
These girls are telling us not only do they feel this intense pressure to look a certain way, but that it’s causing them pain. They are telling us they don’t want the pressure, the ads, the constant barrage of negativity making them feel insecure about their appearance and their body. It’s costing them their wellbeing, confidence and health. 
.
It’s time to listen.
.
Sign the #FreeFromDiets petition. Tell your kids’ school about the Body Happy Kids Workshop for teachers. Call out diet culture when you see it (particularly when it comes for your kids). There are more resources in my bio as well as a post on media literacy further down my grid too. It doesn’t have to be this way. 💕✨ #BodyHappyKids
My babies started Year 1 & Year 6 today and as I w My babies started Year 1 & Year 6 today and as I waved them off to school after months of being home, it got me thinking about how my relationship with their first home has changed: my body. ❤️
.
I have thin privilege but I’ve still often felt like my body was “wrong”. Why? Because like many of us I live in a society that taught me to fear fatness and idolise thinness from an early age. 
.
Internalised fatphobia ran so deep that even after my body performed its most miraculous feat of my life - growing and birthing a human - I feared the softness of my belly.
.
I justified the internalised fat phobia by telling myself it was about health, believing that health was a simplified concept I could control and monitor by a number on the scales. 
.
And even when I started to suspect diets weren’t healthy I still failed to recognise the total system of oppression that diet culture is, how it harms so very many people including children, how it creates a culture where discriminating against people over their weight is seen as acceptable under the guise of health concern.
.
I believe we will never end body-based oppression until we do the internal work too, rejecting diet culture & internalised fat phobia. Then we can challenge the health “facts” we’re sold by a multi billion £ industry, and investigate why we’re so ready to accept government diet culture infused health policy when we’re quick to question other policies.
.
It starts with us showing body acceptance to our children, teaching them ALL bodies are good bodies, giving them the tools to question anyone who says otherwise. 
.
This is not just about raising children at peace in their body. It’s about raising children who grow to challenge a system that harms us all, but particularly those in marginalised bodies. 
.
For me, it started with exploring my feelings about my babies’ first home. ❤️
A little story about 🩸periods🩸 and intuitive A little story about 🩸periods🩸 and intuitive movement and diet culture - here’s the headline: DIET CULTURE MESSES UP OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR BODY AND THIS HARM RUNS DEEP.
.
Let me explain. 
.
This was me last week. We hiked up a hill and when we got to the top the sky turned a murky shade of grey. Within seconds we were being pelted by hail and rain. It was GLORIOUS. I felt ALIVE.
.
Not so this week. Because this week I got my period. And instead of relaxing into it, being gentle with myself, I battled it. I got frustrated with myself when exhaustion hit and my brain felt soupy. I tried to dig deep to find my spark, my energy, I felt guilt at missing swim sessions I’d booked. 
.
Why? Because diet culture runs deep. I examined it and realised I was feeling guilt at what I’d told myself I “should” be doing, rather than what my body *actually* needed. “No one regrets a workout! It’ll pep you up! Energise you!” Said the voice. But my body was bleeding and I was tired to my bones. I didn’t feel like it. And I felt like I was letting some invisible person down. 
.
Last night I gave myself permission to be gentle. Cancelled all my swim sessions for a couple of days. Had a bath and put on my comfiest PJs. Turned off my laptop and phone, watched a film and had an early night. It’s what my body needed, and once I actually listened to it I felt so much better. 
.
Embracing the seasons of my cycle and going with my natural energy levels is how I’m reclaiming my relationship with my body, I’ve decided. For me, this is the last internal bastion of rebellion against diet culture. And it’s (literally) bloody liberating 🩸⚡️💥
.
.
.
#BodyHappyMum #JoyfulMovement #DevonIsHeaven #PeriodPower #WeBleed
No child comes fresh out the womb doubting their b No child comes fresh out the womb doubting their body. But, little by little, the messages come.
.
Some of the messages may be from what they see online on TV and in magazines. Some of them may even come from the people who love and care for them - their friends, parents, grandparents, teachers and even doctors. Some of the messages are blatant and some are more insidious.
.
It’s not hopeless though. Here are some things you can do, right now:
✨ Speak to yourself with kindness or use neutral language about your own body in front of your kids.
.
✨Call out the messages when you see them - point them out and talk about what they’re promoting, and show your kids the other perspective. This is called media literacy and I’ve got a post further down my grid with lots more info on this.
.
✨ Teach your kids that beauty and health don’t just look one way, and that regardless of the outside shell of our body all humans deserve respect, empathy and love - and that includes self-love. (Some mantras that I use with my kids to help drive this message home - ALL bodies are GOOD bodies 💕 It’s not your job to be pretty 💕 Your body is YOUR OWN.)
.
✨ Seek out wider representation, whether that’s through books, social media accounts, positive TV shows and films, it all matters.
.
✨ Set clear boundaries - if you have a family member or friend who constantly discusses diets, body shames themselves or makes comments about other people’s bodies (and maybe even your child’s) have a conversation with them about why this isn’t OK. Explain that little ears are always listening and you’re working hard to raise your kids to have a happy, healthy relationship with their body. 
.
For more resources on this check out the links in my bio ❤️
#BodyHappyKids
.
.
[📸 My one day old daughter’s foot in my hand, taken in 2010, by @carolinepalmerphoto]
Follow on Instagram

Copyright © 2020 · Mothers Always Right. Design by Stacey Corrin

This site uses cookies: Find out more.