A traumatic event

Something truly disgusting happened to me today. It was so disgusting I didn’t even share it ANYWHERE on social media. As far as I was concerned there was a Facebook blackout.

But then I rang my husband. The (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine calmly listened to my tears and snivelling retching down the phone and then proceeded to laugh so loudly I felt even more sick. As I type this he is threatening to out me on Facebook so I feel I need to share before he gets the opportunity. At least it’ll be my side of the story…

It was around 12.30pm. I was harrassed. I had just been cleaning the bathroom (I predict my domestic goddess status will last around 3 weeks in our new house). Downstairs, while cajoling my three year old into a pair of socks, I noticed a brown mark on the arm of our sofa. You know where this is going don’t you?

The cleaning products were upstairs. The huge array of chocolate in the house led me to (obviously) suspect that the mark was the remnants of Frog’s chocolate coin greedily consumed earlier that day.

I licked my finger and rubbed at it, confident enough in my motherly domestic goddess hunch that it was sticky Cadburys I was rubbing at. It didn’t come off as easily as expected.

I licked my finger again, noting that the chocolate was probably a few days old because it didn’t taste “fresh”. I rubbed again. It faded a little, but was proving stubborn.

The third lick was accompanied with a stifled giggle from my three year old. “Mummy, why you licking my poo?”

“Don’t be silly darling. It’s not poo. It’s chocolate. Why on earth would there be poo on the sofa?” I laughed nervously. Leaning forward I took a big sniff.

It wasn’t chocolate.

“I had poo on my bum when I did sit on the sofa this morning Mummy”.


“You didn’t wipe my bum properly Mummy. YOU ATE POO!!”

The little sod wasn’t wrong. Not only had I licked it. I had licked it, rubbed it, sniffed it and then licked it some more.

Vomiting followed. It seems my body had a violent reaction to the idea of consuming human faeces. It didn’t sit well on the stomach.

I vowed there and then to only tell two people about my misfortune. My sister laughed and my husband has been singing Scat Man at me all evening. In a fit of melodrama I just rang my mother.

“Mum, something awful happened today and I need your support!”

“What darling? Oh, are you talking about Yum Yum Gate? Remind me not to bring chocolate round next time I come to visit.”

Thanks sis.

So I sent a text to my friend, confident I would get the sympathy I deserved from him. It was not forthcoming:

I ate poo

My name is Molly and today, I ate poo. There, I said it. Get the poo jokes out of the way while you can. I can hide it no longer.

And while you’re at it, please tell me there are more disgusting things to befall you since parenthood? I need someone to make me feel better.



  1. Kate W says

    As a fellow, accidental poo eater (I thought it was chocolate too…..only it was on my child’s FACE…..let’s not try and guess how it got there!!), I truly feel your pain……

    For future reference, neat Ribena make quite a good emergency mouthwash till you can get to ACTUAL mouthwash!!!

  2. says

    I can share something may be just as bad which I once did. Accidentally drank my daughters vomit out of a cup which she had retched into. I didn’t realise, thought I was finish off her drink and…well…that taught me!! I hope that eases your pain a little. Well done for sharing!

  3. says

    Oh Molly! Traumatising for you but thank you for sharing – laughing so much I have tears. Actual tears on the table. And I snorted – twice! I hope you’re alright though, you’ll laugh about it one day xxx

  4. says

    I think I just brought a little of my wine up…….

    there was the time I almost ate a juicy raisin off Jacks bedroom floor, but just in time realised there is only one place that a juicy raisin would come from…….

  5. says

    You know when babies are new and they fire poo like a power hose? And you know how sometimes they do it mid nappy change? And you know how a night nappy change sometimes has you doing it without your glasses? And how being short sighted means you need to lean in pretty close? And how you open your mouth when you’re concentrating?

    He. Fired. Poo. Into. My. Mouth.

  6. says

    My OH was making son “fly” in the air when he was lying down and son was sick right into his mouth lol. I always sniff brown marks before I wash though. That’s a story for the 18th birthday. Well done for being brave enough to share and make us giggle.

  7. says

    Eeeeew! Hasn’t happened to me yet, to my knowledge, but I did have to fish a toy car out of the loo when the Boy ‘accidentally’ dropped it when he was doing a wee. Gin also works as a good mouthwash :-)

  8. Jane Clarke says

    I did brush my teeth with poo once,I was only 3!!! Made me laugh at your predicament. Next time tell no one and hope Freya doesn’t blab.

  9. says

    C read this the other night and couldn’t stop laughing, so I read it. Knowing it would make me retch lol. My OCD would never allow this to happen to me. But reading the comments is just as bad. I shall now treat any marks with even more caution.

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