My daughter had a tantrum today. That’s nothing new. But what was new was what happened afterwards.
After having a tantrum about not being able to swim in a puddle and run amok in a busy car park, my two year old stopped. She stood very still. She waited until I picked her up. And then she hit me in the face.
It wasn’t an arms flailing, screaming, accidental, wrong-place-wrong-time hit. It was calculated. She thought about what she was going to do. And then she did it. A belting thwack! right across the cheek.
Stung, I wrestled her into her car seat, while she silently bit me, pulled my hair, slapped me across the other cheek and pulled a thread from my brand new coat.
This was not a tantrum.
There was no screaming (or, at least, not while she was unleashing the full force of her two year old strength on me). She looked at me quietly before she dealt each blow. She listened to me say, “No” and then she did it anyway.
She’s never done that before.
I’ve been hit, of course. By passing flying objects thrown in the heat of a temper storm. I’ve been in the way of flailing limbs as my daughter’s fury over forbidden chocolate or toys or impending bedtime have surfaced. But she’s never hurt me in such a calculated manner before.
Today, she was completely aware of what she was doing. There was thought behind each slap, pinch, scratch and hair pull.
Being in a public place, I wasn’t sure what to do. I was hot, angry – OH so angry – frustrated and (as ever) without the magic answer.
So I told her, “No” again, got in the driver’s seat and ignored her rising demands for her (bloody awful) CD to be put on.
I could have put the music on. It would have been better than listening to her angry shouts. But I didn’t want to reward the hitting behaviour. I was really cross.
Five minutes later, I had to pull into a garage on a busy main road. My irrate daughter had, by this time, managed to manoeuvre her way out of the straps on her car seat (her hypermobility means she’s oddly flexible, which is often a problem) and was leaning forward attempting to pull my hair again.
While she shouted “Like you Mummy! Like you Mummy!” (this means DON’T like you, obviously) I tried to shut my ears and get on with the task of strapping her into the car seat.
For the rest of the journey home the shouts turned into tears, which turned into a tantrum, which eventually subsided into a quiet, “Sorry Mummy” as we pulled up at our house.
I didn’t speak for the entire journey. I didn’t put her CD on. I didn’t shout at her or try to placate her or chide her for pulling my hair. I shut my ears and I concentrated on driving safely while my anger levels rose to a high pitched scream inside my head.
Once home I got her inside the house and I sat down calmly beside her. I told her she’d made me sad, that hitting was wrong and that she should never do it again.
I’m not sure how much she understood, but I know she was very quiet. Quieter than I’ve seen her for a long time. It looked like she was taking it in. I think she was aware that she pushed the boundary as far as it would go and then jumped right across a line she had only just found.
I think that’s the case, but I don’t know.
What would you have done?
I have a threenager and have found that ignoring is really the only way. Take last night for example, awake at 2am and FURIOUS that I would not take him back into my own bed with me. I sat with him for a while, explained that it was nighttime and he had to sleep and that I had to sleep to but he was not listening by this stage. Cue massive meltdown in the middle of the night, screaming at the top of his lunchs which I ignored for about 10mins (but in the dark of night feels about 10 hours) until I felt he was ready to calm down. Eventually I went back in there, picked him up, popped him back into the bed, he sobbed on my shoulder a few times and then went to sleep.
Leaving the room while he is mid-tantrum does seem to do the trick for me at home, Harder when out and about though. I think you did marvellously not to lose it when she wriggled out of her car seat straps. Like most things though, as soon as you think you have found a solution, everything changes and you are back to square one again 🙂
It sounds like you did so well and I can only hope that I remain as calm as you did in the same situation. It’s so hard to know the best way to deal with situations, I have just started becoming aware of saying no to Iyla then giving in when she starts moaning. I know I should stand my ground but it’s so hard when they are shouting and crying. Toddlers are definitely send to test us! x
I have to say you sound like you handled in absolutely the best way possible to me. I am SOOOOO close to this happening with W and I have to say reading this post has made me feel more confident of how I will deal with it when it does happen. So upsetting for you though but stay strong. She is finding her boundaries I guess. The firmer you stay the quicker this phase will pass I expect. xxx
Sounds like you dealt with it brilliantly Molly. You are such a fantastic mum – you need to know that. Because it’s times like you have described that make you wonder what it is you’ve done wrong- or at least I do in situations like that. I know it’s a bit of a cliche but it will just be a phase and the more you deal with it like you did the sooner she will realise that it doesn’t get her anywhere. You have given birth to a diva, there is no denying that, but just remember what an incredible character you have brought into the world! She is just gorgeous and makes me smile so often and I love her – even thought she is violent!!! ;). Proud of you friend xxx
What a lovely comment, thank you friend. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in what you’ve done wrong rather than what you’ve done right. I’m a perfect example of that! xxx
That sounds like a really upsetting and hurtful experience for you 🙁 It’s a long time since I had a toddler so I can only offer advice from a special needs perspective, because as you know I am still dealing with tantrums, but from an 11 year old. Being calm seems to be the key and letting them know you still love them and for a first offence I suppose I would not make the punishment too major, but when m 10 year old got violent I eventually told him that one more time and I would lock ALL his consoles in the shed. That worked, and there has been almost nothing similar since xx
I take my hat off to you for keeping your calm like that, I’m not sure I could have managed that situation as well as you did. I can feel your worry reading your post, where did it come from? WIll it happen again?
Let’s hope she did understand.
It’s so difficult isn’t it but I think you did marvellously
Yup, would of totally ignored Oli if he would of done that. Toddler times are testing times, any past naughtiness seems to be a blur to me now though, I think I’m fairly lucky that at the moment ‘the naughty step’ works for us as a form of punishment. Dread to think what to do next if that stops working!
I think you did the right thing. It’s hard though. xx
In the case of the “Public” Tantrum, I’d have done exactly what you did…….not giving in is the KEY to the issue here because, if you do it once, they pick up on it and know that they may well get away with it in future.
When we are at home and this happens, they get banished to their Bedrooms, the door shut behind them, to shriek it out to their hearts content – in our house, the tantrums are born of frustration and I actually think it does them good to scream at the top of their lungs in a space that they feel safe in. Then, when they’ve calmed down, they will come down and we will have the “You MUST NOT do that” conversation, because there really is no point in trying to reason with them when their blood is boiling!!!
I like to think that, being the Mother of 3 GIrls, this is all good practice for the years of Hormonal screaming and door slamming/swearing that is ahead of me……….
Wow, you did what I would have done in retrospect. I find it so hard to bite my lip during a tantrum, but I know there is absolutely no point in trying to talk and reason to them mid-tantrum.You have to let them see it out. Well done!
I’m not always so good at biting my lip!
I’d have shrieked at her and exiled her in her room the sulked for a day. I’m becoming increasingly irascible with childish impertinence. Your way, however, was better! But you’ll never know if you’ve pitched your discipline right until they’re 27 and either in jail or upstanding members of the community.
This is true. It’s bloody hard being a parent isn’t it?!
EXACTLY what you did. You did brilliantly to remain calm and igonore her. GG is the same kind of girl and we’ve had that, plus calculated and unexpected biting. The only thing that works is to stay calm, ingore, and dole out a rational consequence. Then a chat, and move on. She will stop, she’s just experimenting with control, and you proved you had it…
It’s so hard isn’t it? I’m with you on the staying calm bit – not always easy though!