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You are here: Home / SELF LOVE & BODY IMAGE / Raising confident kids – why “I am brilliant” is something my daughters need to hear

Raising confident kids – why “I am brilliant” is something my daughters need to hear

February 7, 2019 by Molly Leave a Comment

There was a study done a few years ago which found one in five girls weren’t putting their hand up in class for fear of being judged over their appearance. There have also been numerous other pieces of research showing children model behaviours on the adults around them. It’s not rocket science – I mean, I think we kind of know this already don’t we?

But it makes me think, why is dropping an F-bomb in front the kids such a big no-no, yet it’s OK to chat about the diets we’re on or trash talk ourselves in front of the mirror while our children are around? If kids copy our behaviour, and there’s evidence to show some children are not fully participating at school because of negative feelings they have about their body, surely hissing a swear under our breath is way less damaging than body-shaming ourselves or counting calories in front of the kids? Personally, I’d rather my girls hiss the odd swear than hate on themselves.

When I was a teenager at school, one of the worst insults you could get branded with was being “up yourself”. To be “up yourself” was just as bad as being over-enthusiastic or too keen in class or a bit of a geek. Funnily enough, it was only ever really used on girls. No one wanted to be the “up herself” girl who thought she was “all that”. Pretty clever way to keep the girls in line – seen and not heard – when you think about it.

Which is why I take the opposite approach and actively seek the “all that” attitude at home, in front of my kids.

And I’ll tell you why I do it. Girls need to hear the female role models in their life say “I’m brilliant”. They need to hear us say, out loud, “I rock, because…”. They need to hear us take a compliment without turning red with embarrassment or deflecting it away. They need to hear us owning our own brilliance. Because if not us, then who?

I’ll tell you what else I do now that I would have cringed at the thought of aged 16: I look at myself in the mirror and smile. I want my girls to know they are allowed to like their bodies just as they are, without changing them, and if I want them to know this then the lesson starts with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not standing in the mirror for fifteen minutes preening at myself before strutting around the kitchen like Beyonce. I’m not walking round shouting “I AM THE BOMB!” every two seconds, like some kind of over-excited motivational speaker. But I’m trying, gradually and gently, to show my girls that it’s OK to be happy in their own skin.

Some people might argue that body image has nothing to do with confidence. That girls need to get away from thinking about their bodies altogether and start to place more value on what’s inside. I get that. This is why I’ll always tell my girls they’re funny, clever, kind, brave and strong BEFORE I tell them they’re pretty.

But I want them to appreciate the whole package. I want them to love what’s on the inside AND what’s on the outside, too. And again, this starts with myself.

It’s pressure, isn’t it? We live in this society that celebrates an incredibly narrow ideal of beauty. And so I can see that as positive as I am about bodies, and about showing my kids that their bodies are NOT the most important thing they have to offer the world, once they get out into that world they’re going to be hit by a barrage of messages that could be potentially toxic.

And you can say “just don’t read the magazines”, but it’s way more complicated than that. You’d have to quite literally live in a cave on top of a mountain with no Wi-Fi to avoid these messages altogether. Even if you curate your kids’ Instagram feeds and tell them who to follow, monitor what they watch on YouTube or what magazines they read – you can’t control the ads they see on the side of buses or the billboards on the way to the supermarket. Which is why I think it’s even more important that we reinforce the positive messages at home. And again, that starts with ourselves.

The thing about body confidence – and confidence in general really – is that it places a huge amount of pressure on us as individuals. It seems we’re given two choices: change your body or change the way you THINK about your body. When really, there’s a huge third factor at play that would make all the difference: change the way SOCIETY thinks about your body.

And this is where it gets tricky. Because we only have so much control – which isn’t very much really – when it comes to this stuff. We undoubtedly need to widen the narrow definition of what is beautiful. We most definitely need more diversity in magazines, on TV, in big ad campaigns. BUT that’s not to say we can just hold our hands up and say, “This is too big, what’s the point?” and go back to the safe confines of diet culture and trash talking ourselves in the mirror because, really, what’s the use anyway.

I’d argue that it’s BECAUSE of the messed up messages we’re being fed every day that it’s EVEN MORE important to say “I’m brilliant, because…” at home. Even if you don’t necessarily feel it at the time, faking it until you make it could be a worthwhile exercise. Or, at least, giving up the self trash talk and just taking a completely neutral attitude to your body.

Rebellion begins at home. With a kitchen disco. A smile in the mirror. A naked wiggle on your way to the shower. That’s my approach, anyway.

Filed Under: SELF LOVE & BODY IMAGE Tagged With: body confidence, body image, motherhood, raising confident girls

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Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

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If you feel bad about your body you’re less like If you feel bad about your body you’re less likely to do nice things for it, including moving in a way that feels good and eating in a way that feels good. (FYI health is about more than just exercise and nutrition, but let’s get deeper into the exercise thing for a second...)
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Research shows kids who have low body image are less likely to get involved with sports and more likely to skip PE. 
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Want kids to move more? Stop teaching them that one type of body is better than another - because if their body doesn’t look like your version of a healthy / beautiful / successful body not only will they be more likely to feel shame over their body, they’ll be less likely to engage with the very behaviours you want them to do more of (or be more likely to engage with them in an UNhealthy way - compulsive exercise is dangerous).
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Instead:
💕Try talking about the intrinsic benefits of exercise over the extrinsic ones (ie. how it makes you FEEL instead of how it makes you LOOK).
✨Create opportunities for movement where ALL children feel welcome. 
💕Show children diverse representation so they can see sporting heroes with a range of body types and know that movement is for EVERYbody. 
✨Take a zero tolerance approach to appearance based bullying, body shaming and comments that perpetuate weight stigma (including even the hint that fat = bad). 
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(If you’re a teacher or youth leader interested in knowing more about this topic, a #BodyHappyKids workshop will help - follow the link in my bio 🥰❤️)
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[Image description: A multicoloured slide with an overlaid screenshot of tweet by Molly which reads ‘If your intention is to “get kids healthy” then you need to be aware of how weight bias, weight stigma and poor body image are active barriers to health. The end.]
Sharing this outfit pic with you because it’s a Sharing this outfit pic with you because it’s a crying shame only the piles of laundry got to see it, quite frankly. Finally, a pair of pre-loved jeans bought online that are true to size, consistent with the rest of the brand’s sizing and actually fit! 🎉 
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PS heads up - I’ll be doing a Q&A about body image and kids in my Stories on Friday. The Q sticker is up in my Stories now if you’d like to submit a Q! 💕 #BodyHappyKids
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[Image description: Molly is standing in front of the mirror looking very pleased with the fact her new jeans bought from Depop fit her. She is wearing pink patterned jeans with cherubs on them, a pink check jumper and pink trainers. There are piles of laundry on the bed behind her.]
Another photo of us on a walk, because it’s been Another photo of us on a walk, because it’s been our main form of entertainment this year. Anyone else? 
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I honestly now get excited about putting my boots on and being outdoors, even in the rain. I’m going to start hugging trees next and going on wild camping weekends that involve doing a poo behind a tree and making my own fire. Joke.... maybe. 
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Just another reminder that all movement is valid, exercise doesn’t need to have to be about burning calories or even tracking steps in order for it to be “worth it”. Hope everyone’s had a great weekend ❤️
#BodyHappyMum #JoyfulMovement
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Image description: Molly and her two daughters stand on a bridge in the countryside. They are all wearing hiking boots and outdoor clothes and smiling.
My body is good and excellent and my body only bel My body is good and excellent and my body only belongs to me ✨ (Words by Effie May, age 6 💕) #BodyHappyMum
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Image description: A close up of Molly’s bare skin as she hugs herself. It’s dark and part of her body is illuminated by light. She has her eyes closed and is smiling.
“Mummy I wrote a letter to myself,” she said. “Mummy I wrote a letter to myself,” she said. And my heart swelled. Maybe I’m doing an OK job after all 🤞❤️💕 #BodyHappyKids 
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I could leave this caption here but I need to make something clear: if you think it’s great that my daughter - a thin, white, nondisabled, cisgender kid - feels good in her body but you’re not here for the self-love of any kid who doesn’t look like her.... then you’ve missed the point.
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ALL bodies are good bodies, and without this important piece of the puzzle ALL children will be at risk of doubting their body. And what happens when they doubt their body? Well... hating our body doesn’t make us treat it with love, and the same is true of kids. 
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Great, now we’ve cleared that up, can we take a moment to appreciate the incredible phonetic spelling on show here?! 
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Image description: Effie, age 6, stands against a white wardrobe holding up a letter she has written to herself. It is spelled phonetically and reads “My body is good and excellent and my body only belongs to me.”
I used to struggle to buy stuff for myself if I ha I used to struggle to buy stuff for myself if I had any spare cash - not just treats, but basics like pants and tights that fit properly. I’d tell myself I didn’t need it, didn’t deserve it, couldn’t justify the expense. There’s still that little voice (the habit of putting everyone else’s needs first and my own last dies hard it seems) but I’m leaning into exploring why it still sometimes rears its head, instead of always listening to it. 
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I’m trying to buy as much as I can from pre-loved places or small businesses these days, which is why I’m very happy to share with you some of my latest finds: a star dress from Depop (£5), earrings from @kelzojewellery by @ourtransitionallife (£12) and the comfiest tights I’ve ever owned in Raspberry Pie by @snagtights (£6.99) 💕💕💕
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Have you found any great small brands lately? Shout them out in the comments so we can all support in the run up to Christmas. ⬇️⚡️
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Image description: Molly is smiling and sticking out her tongue to the camera. Her hair is freshly dyed a light shade of pink. She’s wearing a pink t’shirt underneath a black and white star patterned slip dress, with bright pink tights and black and pink earrings decorated with a boob design.
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