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You are here: Home / MOTHERHOOD / Sleep deprivation, anxiety and losing myself a little bit

Sleep deprivation, anxiety and losing myself a little bit

October 1, 2015 by Molly 21 Comments

There is every chance I won’t feel like this tomorrow. But when I started this blog five years ago I decided to write about ALL the bits of motherhood. The good bits, bad bits and funny bits. Today is a bad bit.

Prolonged sleep deprivation is getting the better of me at the moment. I haven’t slept longer than five hours in a row for a full year. Most nights I average three or four hours, before being woken. Even on the nights when Baby Girl sleeps all the way through (which I can count on one hand) I’m either woken up by a five year old who’s had a bad dream, a husband who is snoring or my own messed up body clock.

Aside from the occasional bout of tears, I’ve coped pretty well with the sleep deprivation over the past year. But, recently, it’s started to get the better of me. I can’t put my finger on anything tangible, but I don’t feel quite myself. Usually positive and happy, I’m finding it hard to smile. I have to make a concerted effort to force my mouth into a grin as I greet friends, trying desperately to put on a brave face and not be that mood hoover. Some days I do this better than others.

IMAGE CREDIT: Creating using image from https://unsplash.com/missnjc

The more tired I feel the more I can sense panic setting in at the edge of everything I do. I get a nervous, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about work deadlines or how I’m going to manage a full day of solo mothering if the (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine is due late home from work. I dread the post-school witching hour period, when I need to juggle a fractious five year old and grumpy baby while simultaneously cooking tea, putting washing away and running baths. I gulp down shouts, try hard to be patient but know that, on many days, I come up short. This doesn’t help with those anxious feelings.

Of course I know it’s all relative. I’m a good mum. My girls are loved. We have a happy life. I’m loved and I love. But, on days that follow trying nights, it’s hard to remember this. On those days all I can think about is what I need to get done in the next hour, how I’m going to manage the day, how long this tired-to-my-bones feeling is going to last and why the bloody hell my house is always a tip when all I seem to do is tidy.

Part of my current fug is probably down to the time of year. We had a brilliant summer and it’s felt like a short, sharp shock to be back into routines, school, colder days and long, solo days at home juggling two children without the NLM around to help. Part of the mood swings and emotional turmoil is also very likely down to hormones. Mother Nature’s played her lowest card and brought my cycle back not once a month but twice – every other week – with a vengeance, despite the fact I’m still breastfeeding. My hormones don’t know if they’re coming or going. (TMI – sorry.)

There’s also a chance that, somewhere under this all, I’m mourning the loss of another year before I turn 32 tomorrow. But I love birthdays (especially MY birthdays!) so this probably isn’t it. It could be that it’s because my baby is about to turn one (on Tuesday) and part of me isn’t ready to accept the end of that baby phase. But, to be honest, the fact I’m readily selling the baby stuff with abandon means this probably isn’t it either.

I don’t know. Maybe I just need a break. Or a full nights’ sleep. Or… something.

Tell me, have you ever felt like this before? Does any of this sound familiar? How did you drag yourself out of the fug and feel better?

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Babies, MOTHERHOOD Tagged With: happiness, hormones, juggling, motherhood, Parenting, sleep deprivation

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Comments

  1. Catherine says

    October 11, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    The great thing about the internet is reaching out and finding others going through similar struggles. The feelings of anxiety as a result of 9 months sleep deprivation are becoming more tangible each day. I can really relate to all the comments posted and have super admiration for mothers with 2 or more children. One beautiful child who still refuses to sleep more than 5 hrs straight has almost halted me! So so clumsy and impatient some days….
    Catherine x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 11, 2015 at 9:27 pm

      I can completely relate Catherine – you’re definitely not alone. I think sleep deprivation is the single hardest part of motherhood and life with a baby. Hopefully they’ll let us get some rest soon! x

      Reply
  2. helloitsgemma says

    October 9, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    I still find it slightly surprising to see my 7 year old asleep. Non-sleepers and sleep depravation are hard. I think it’s OK to be a mood hoover, trying to pretend it’s OK, is an extra strain no one needs. Instead, be honest – grab a little bit of extra support.
    I’ve no useful words to offer. It can’t last forever.

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 11, 2015 at 1:47 pm

      You’re right, it can’t. I’m feeling more positive about it all now I have a sort of plan in place. We shall see!

      Reply
  3. Charlie O'Brien says

    October 2, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    Sleep deprivation is a bitch – there are no two ways about it. I don’t think I’ve had longer than 5 hours since Noah was born and didn’t sleep all through my pregnancy either. This week for the first time since he was a newborn I actually napped when he napped. Yes the house was a mess, yes I had work to do, but I felt SO much better afterwards. I know it’s harder for you with two, but perhaps if she goes down for a morning/lunchtime nap, go with her! The work and the washing can wait. Charlie x

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:10 pm

      I’ve done this a few times since Baby Girl was born and it does really help. These days though, my work deadlines are ramped up and I just don’t have the time to sleep. I’m my own worst enemy, I know! xxx

      Reply
  4. polly says

    October 1, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    Oh Molly. I’m so there right now too. The baby’s getting worse… last night he got me up SIX times (and mybhsuband woke me once coming to bed and the six year old woke me up crying to)

    I am so tired, I don’t think I’ve had a full nights sleep in the last seven years. Trying to look after 4 kiddos 24/7, keep my house tody (ish) work and feed everyone is proving to be flipping hard work… when I’m tired everything makes me cry and my patience is none existent right now.

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:11 pm

      I think we need to learn to be less hard on ourselves, you know. You’re doing SUCH an amazing job Polly. xxx

      Reply
  5. Laura Jane writes says

    October 1, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Yes. I hit my sleep deprivation wall this week. Like you I feel like I’ve coped well in general but dealing with a gradual but very distinct sleep regression over the last few months has taken its toll. I can completely relate to every feeling you mention. I’ve finally admitted defeat this week and we’ve started ‘the intervention’ – our term for banning the boob at night to tackle an increasingly frequent night-waking habit. My husband is now on the night shift to ease the transition from comfort feeding to sleep. It’s a tough week for all of us but hopefully it will be a turning point. So this is my story with an eight month old. Massive respect and admiration to you for surviving a whole year. You must have the patience of a saint.

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      I wouldn’t say patience is my strongest trait but I’ve certainly tested my patience levels to their limit this past year! x

      Reply
  6. Katrina says

    October 1, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    oh Molly, I can totally relate to those sleep deprived feelings. Lack of sleep is one of the hardest things to deal with- & when you’ve got 2 little ones to run after, I can only imagine how bloody knackered you must be feeling. But do you know hat? It’s OK to cry, it’s a bloody tough job, this being a mum lark, & we all need to shed a tear from time to time & let it all out. Hopefully next Friday brings some much needed sleep & a lie in for us both!! 🙂

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      Fingers crossed to that one!

      Reply
  7. Nat says

    October 1, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    Aw Molly, this is EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling lately and have been on and off since my first daughter came along 5 years ago. I don’t feel depressed, but just not myself and generally overwhelmed by everything. After avoiding it for ages due to the stigma and not wanting to be on ‘pills’, I finally bit the bullet and went to doctors. I’ve now been taking antidepressants for anxiety for 3 months and I feel like a different person; like the person I used to be. I feel so content and relaxed, and nothing is overwhelming me like it has been. I didn’t think I needed it as generally happy, sociable person, but now I am on them I’ve realised how much I did need a bit of help! It’s all the hormones related to pregnancy and having babies I’m sure! Chocolate and wine also definitely helps 😉 (I also feel your pain w the snoring husband!) Happy birthday to you and baby girl xx

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:13 pm

      YES to chocolate and wine. Although I hope if I can get into a bit more of a routine with the gym / swimming then that may help as well – and be less damaging to the old waistline! x

      Reply
  8. Ghislaine Forbes says

    October 1, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    I’ll give you a few lie ins from Sunday..love ma x

    Reply
  9. Emma says

    October 1, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    Awww, Molly. I’m so sorry you feel like this. I do ok on the sleep front but can empathise with wondering how you’re going to get everything done in a day and the endlessly messy house..it does get you down. I am rubbish at taking my own advice, but give yourself a break if you can. xxx

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:14 pm

      We’re away at the moment and I’m really trying to switch off a bit. I even had a lie in on Sunday! x

      Reply
  10. Sarah Rooftops says

    October 1, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    So familiar. I have no words of wisdom; it’s all still new to me.

    But happy birthday for tomorrow. I hope it’s one of the happy, energetic days (when Mother Nature sods off and leaves you alone).

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:14 pm

      Thanks Sarah! It was a great day. xx

      Reply
  11. Jodie says

    October 1, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    I’m feeling exactly like this at the moment. It’s awful. I have no motivation for anything. I am currently on two years and eight months of sleepless nights and it’s really taking its toll on me.

    Reply
    • Molly says

      October 5, 2015 at 1:15 pm

      Motivation and lack of sleep do not go hand in hand! I find it so hard to focus when I’m tired, so everything takes twice as long. I know exactly how you feel. xxx

      Reply

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Hi, I’m Molly. I’m an author, journalist, campaigner and Executive Director of the social enterprise The Body Happy Organisation. Sadly this blog is now essentially defunct as I simply don't have time to write here any more but deleting it felt too much like burning all my old love letters to my kids, so here it still is. If you're interested in me and my work your best bet is to catch me on Instagram where I still post regularly. Thanks for stopping by :) Read More…

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As we head into a new week, how many other kids ar As we head into a new week, how many other kids are worrying about school tomorrow due to body insecurities or appearance based bullying? 
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If the research is correct, then rather a lot. In fact, earlier this year a cross-parliamentary committee into body image found 66% of children feel negative or very negative about their body most of the time. 
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Poor body image is a public health issue. For schools, body image needs to be included in any conversations about student wellbeing, safeguarding, policies to improve engagement and academic attainment and anti-bullying strategies. 
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Some thinking prompts to consider if you’re an adult who’s ever around children (feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, but no pressure!):
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⭐️ If you’re a parent - how are you helping your kids think critically about some of the diet culture messages that uphold body ideals? How can you encourage conversations around these subjects in an age appropriate way? How are you ensuring your kids see a wide range of representation of different body types? How are you helping them see that all bodies are good bodies?
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⭐️ If you’re a teacher, on a board of governors in a school, or on a school PTFA team, how are you ensuring your school environment nurtures positive body image in students? How are you bringing your colleagues into these conversations and raising awareness of an issue that is still so often overlooked? How are you encouraging your SLT team to include body image awareness in CPD training and school governing policies?
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This stuff is HARD. It’s systemic, and will require collective action to see change. There is support out there though - check out the resources, products and training at @bodyhappyorg 
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I firmly believe we can make a change, so that other 12 year olds like this one can also have victory moments too. ❤️
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[Full text in Alt Text]
Knowing - I mean REALLY knowing - that MY body is Knowing - I mean REALLY knowing - that MY body is my OWN was a breakthrough moment for me when I was mending my relationship with my body. 
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I used to think other peoples’ judgements of my body mattered more than how I actually felt in my body, and I often put those external pressures above all else. And let me clear: as a straight-sized non-disabled white woman those judgements were minimal compared to what others go through.
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But still they came - from boys’ comments about my boobs, my hairstyle and my skin in my teens, to peers’ comments about my food choices or my outfit choices etc etc right through my late teens and adulthood.
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If I’d just known then that it was MY body, MY rules and that that was what mattered above everything else, I’d have felt at peace in my body a lot sooner, I think.
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Btw if any of this resonates and you’re looking for resources / support to raise kids who are friends with their bodies too, then you might be interested in what’s going on at @bodyhappyorg at the mo. There’s a deal on the Masterclass and new Pocket Boosters (two of which are pictured here). 
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If you want to spend your pennies in a socially conscious way this #BlackFriday then this is it.
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I know the noise is super loud at this time of year and the pressure on parents can be immense. But if you know someone who might benefit from this please do pass it on. 
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What we lack in marketing budgets we make up for in passion, dedication and the knowledge that our kids really do deserve better than the current diet culture narrative. 
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Their body. Their rules.
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[Image description: A photo of Molly in her pants holding up two cards from the Body Happy Org Pocket Booster Pack which say “my body, my rules” and “I am brilliant just as I am”.]
I wrote my book for parents and caregivers. But re I wrote my book for parents and caregivers. But really it’s for anyone who’s ever around children. To know teachers are reading it is a hugely big deal for me. 
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We run CPD workshops for schools at @bodyhappyorg but to know organisations like @avthousandhours are supporting #BodyHappyKids and our mission to help create a culture that allows children and teens to love the skin they’re in is everything. 
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Thank you @thatchcreativeuk for the message and telling me about your brilliant work, and thank you for sharing my book with 11 schools in Kent. 
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I’d love to hear from other professionals working with kids in the comments here too ❤️❤️ And if you’ve read the book then leaving a rating or review on Amazon or Good Reads helps new people find it too. I’m told the Amazon algorithm particularly is set up to recommend new reads to people based on the number of reviews it has. It takes 2 secs to rate it and you don’t have to have bought the book there to do it. THANK YOU 🥰
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[Full text in Alt Text]
My eldest daughter, Freya, is 11 years old. I’m My eldest daughter, Freya, is 11 years old. I’m painfully aware of the body image challenges on the horizon as she navigates secondary school, social media and relationships. 
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Eating issues, self-esteem issues and anti-fat bias are rife in this age range and Freya’s peers aren’t immune to this - I know because she tells me. 
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There was one conversation she was upset by, where another child was commenting on a younger kid’s body under the guise of health. Yes, 11 and 12 year olds can concern troll too. 
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The biggest thing I try to do is create a safe space for her to land, for her to talk about this stuff with me. 
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Sometimes I share advice with her but mostly I just listen, or ask her questions to help her work through things on her own. 
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I want to encourage her to get curious, to challenge the diet culture rhetoric she hears elsewhere, and to think of ways she can advocate for some of the kids who are harmed by these ideas. (And, often, the ones who are harmed are also the ones doing the harming. A child exhibiting major anti fat bias may well have their own body insecurities and possible issues around food.)
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We’ve used the new @bodyhappyorg Pocket Boosters a lot as conversation prompts. Freya might be too old for some of the games her sister enjoys playing with them (although I think she does secretly like the Pairs game 😊️) but the cards have led to some really lovely chats about advocacy, body ideals and consent. 
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These are some pics we took together of them the other day. We’re using them to make a Body Happy Advent, and Freya was asking how we chose the affirmations in the pack, and talking about what she took them to mean. It was pretty lush to be honest. I bloody love this kid. ❤️❤️❤️
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PS You can get the Pocket Boosters from the @bodyhappyorg online shop. Probably should have mentioned that before 😂
Introducing… the POCKET BOOSTERS! 🥳🥳🥳 Introducing… the POCKET BOOSTERS! 🥳🥳🥳

Our first ever manufactured product at @bodyhappyorg is now live and it gives me all the feels to think of these being used to support kids to be friends with their bodies.

Based on one of the toolkits in my book #BodyHappyKids they’re an evidence based interactive resource - they come with 8 different games and activities, but watch the video for some more tips on how to use them. 

We are a tiny social enterprise company on a big social impact mission and your support means everything.

Please tell your pals and share with anyone you think will benefit from having the Pocket Boosters in their life! 🙏❤️✨

Big thank you to @aceandping for doing such a great job on the product artwork and bringing my idea to life 😍😍😍

[Video description: Molly and her children play with the new Pocket Booster Pack, an affirmation card activity game designed by the social enterprise The Body Happy Organisation CIC.]
So many lovely messages and comments since my last So many lovely messages and comments since my last 🎻 post. Thank you ❤️ Turns out I’m not the only one feeling drained atm. @mumologist did a great post about this collective exhaustion yesterday. I feel her caption, hard.
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Sharing this pic from a a few weeks ago when we visited the big blue box, not because I want to document our time in the IKEA car park, but because I wanted to talk about body image, self compassion and home…
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I’m not going to suggest a cushion splurge at IKEA is going to make you feel better about your body (if only it were that simple) but there’s definitely something to be said about the physical urge to nest, to hunker down, to create a soft space to hibernate and for our bodies to land.
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I remember feeling this viscerally for the first time aged 11 when I was allowed to redecorate my bedroom and use all the tips I’d learned from my fave TV show of the 90s, Changing Rooms. My room was my sanctuary, a space I kept tidy and clean, that had my name on the door. 
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This nesting urge came on strong when I was pregnant. I felt it physically, this desire to create safety and sanctuary for my body and growing baby. And I feel it again regularly at this time every year, as I hunker down into our “burrow” while the nights draw in. 
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The comfort of clean sheets and soft cushions are a way for me to show my body comfort and care. My tidy desk soothes my busy mind, bringing some order and reassurance to dampen rising work-related stress levels. 
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Put simply, for me, my surroundings deeply affect how I feel in my body and mind. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but it is for me. 
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Is this something you notice too? Or is it just me…?
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[ID: Molly and her daughters stand in the IKEA car park. It’s a sunny day and they are smiling.]
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