“You don’t get gold stars when you’re a parent, but you should.” This is a wise statement of fact made by one of my mum mates recently.
When you’re a parent, you rarely get a pat on the back. The pat on the back and the gold star comes in the form of happy kids. If your kids are happy and harmony reigns then that’s the equivalent of your gold star, your pat on the back, your “Well done you! Good job” appraisal meeting. And we all need this boost from time to time.
But what happens when things aren’t going swimmingly? When the kids aren’t happy or content? When your six year old is the only one crying in the classroom at school drop-off and your toddler is the only one hitting other kids at playgroup?
It can make you feel like a pretty rubbish mum. It can make you feel like you’re doing it all wrong as a parent. Somewhere along the line you’ve messed up, missed an important sign that all other parents know about, skipped a chapter of the magic kids’ manual. No gold star for you. Go and sit in the dunce corner.
On most weeks I reckon I spend at least half the time feeling like a Gold Star Mum and half the time feeling like a Dunce Mum. The problem is, in typical human tradition, I always focus on the dunce moments.
Take this morning, for example. Frog was back to school after a day off with a sickness bug. She was feeling a bit emotional (as she always is after any time at home – read my post about school separation anxiety here) and didn’t want me to leave the classroom. I had my Hand, Foot and Mouth contagious toddler strapped in the buggy outside, wailing inconsolably about being unable to come into the classroom. I was stressed and self-conscious about my two kids making such a fuss. So of course I probably handled both situations really badly, not being patient enough, getting snappy, not taking the time to listen properly. Dunce Mum.
This morning couldn’t have been more different to Monday morning. On Monday Frog skipped into class on her own, kissing goodbye at the school gate and telling me in no uncertain terms not to follow her into the classroom. I walked out of the playground, beaming, pushing my happy toddler in the buggy and saying good morning to everyone I passed with a winning smile. Gold Star Mum.
There are so many days where I wonder where I went wrong as a mum. Why is my kid the class crier? Why isn’t my toddler saying more words? Why can’t my six year old ride a bike without stabilisers yet? Why is my toddler still obsessed with the boob? All these questions and more will inevitably pour out at some point in my week, as I look around me at the other kids who aren’t crying in class, or still obsessed with breastfeeding at the age of two, or speaking in full sentences at 18 months (for example).
Of course the sane, rational part of me knows that I’m not doing anything wrong (well, not all of it anyway). That kids should never be compared and that we all have our difficult days as parents. But this doesn’t stop me doubting myself or the decisions I make on a regular basis. It’s the lack of gold stars, I guess.
The other problem is we don’t always hear about the Dunce Mum moments from others, which can make us feel like everyone else is climbing up that gold star chart while we’re the only ones struggling.
There’s not really much point to this post except to say that if you feel like a Dunce Mum today then pull up a pew. Come and sit in the Dunce Mum corner with me – there’s plenty of room. In fact, forget the Dunce Mum moment for a minute and take a gold star. I’m sure your gold star moments far outweigh the dodgy dunce ones anyway.
Now tell me about those Dunce Mum moments. Have you had any recently? Go on, share the load. I promise I won’t judge you for it.
I hear ya! It’s many a time that I have been classed as the dunce mum. When my eldest started school, I made a series of cock ups and I sent him to school in uniform on 3 consecutive occasions when it was ‘mufti’ days. The last time I cried as I was so gutted for him and so annoyed with myself. I ended up dropping off his costume at the school! Having been scarred for life, I always scour the newsletters (via email) so I can’t be caught out again! X
I am so glad I’m not alone in feeling like this. I’ve had to rush up to school on many an occasion with things I’ve forgotten!
Pip went to school with wet feet this morning as I forgot to get her wellies out the car. I managed to put on my own boots though, and when she commented on what bad luck it was her feet had got wet but mine were nice and dry I felt terrible!
Oh no! That’s the kind of thing that would make me feel the mum guilts too! But so easily done – and definitely something I would do. Frog’s current school shoes are a bit on the tight side and I’m definitely not winning any gold stars for sending her off wearing them this morning.
Oh lovely you sound like you;ve had so much going on! I think i’m in constant throws of feeling like I have a mum fail about to happen, in fact felix loudly started crying because i forgot his toy as promised at the school gate, cue all parents staring at me. Thankfully one mum came over and reassured me that i was doing a great job as i was just about to break. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of support ay. We’re all doing our best x
It’s awful when you feel like other people are starting isn’t it? When I’m in that situation (which is alot!) I try to remember that most people are probably looking because they feel sorry for me and have been in the same boat. Easier said than done in the heat of the moment though. x
I’m currently having a whole heap of dunce mum moments! Hux – my little boy who behaves perfectly at home – is rebelling against the constraints of his new school routines (I imagine this is what he’s doing, anyway) and is not behaving well at school. His teachers are horrified at his and a couple of other little boys’ behaviour and I don’t really know how to deal with it. I’m trying to moderate his behaviour and explain why it’s not acceptable but then again the biggest part of me wants to just scream, HE’S 4 AND HE’S DISCOVERING HIS BOUNDARIES, LEAVE HIM ALONE! I’m crossing everything the whole thing will blow over very soon and there’ll be gold star moments next week x
I think it’s even more frustrating when you can see the reason behind something and it’s so obvious. It sounds like you’re bang on with your intuition and this will blow over soon. I think I was more cross with myself yesterday because I knew why F was having a wobble but I still dealt with it badly!
Molly Louise screamed every school day 5 to 7 she had to be extracted from me Georgie still used stabalizers when she was 7. Mind her brother got rid of his at 3. Your a perfect mum, we all are. Wouldn’t life be boring if we all had ‘ perfect’ children. I love challenges and they all are. Xx
As ever, you are so right. And I’m sure Nana would have said exactly the same thing. xxx
Molly Louise screamed every school day 5 to 7 she had to be extracted from me Georgie still used stabalizers when she was 7. Mind her brother got rid of his at 3. Your a perfect mum, we all are. Wouldn’t life be boring if we all had ‘ perfect’ children. I love challenges and they all are. Xx
Molly Louise screamed every school day 5 to 7 she had to be extracted from me Georgie still used stabalizers when she was 7. Mind her brother got rid of his at 3. Your a perfect mum, we all are. Wouldn’t life be boring if we all had ‘ perfect’ children. I love challenges and they all are. Xx
How can I pick just one? We are in a pretty tantrum heavy stage right now, I work pretty much full time so have immense guilt over not seeing her enough, or her asking for her childminder instead of me during a tantrum (sobs)… I pretty much survive on a heady cocktail of mum guilt and caffeine.
Seriously though, the dunce moments come and go, but when your 22 month old asks for a cuddle and whispers I love you in your ear before they go to sleep… *melts*
Oh tantrums are the worst for draining and creating mum guilt aren’t they? You’re right though, those melting moments do make it all better. I could do with some more of those this week!
I’m here in the corner to! Especially this last week or so, I seriously feel that I have missed a chapter in the parenting books somewhere. Then I find myself googling ‘how to be a good parent’ and realising that y’know what, I do MOST of these things on this list and I feel better for a bit then! I think we all do things a little differently and that is okay (it’s just hard to remember that sometimes!) Fab post lovely xx
You’re so right – there is no right way and there’s no manual (or, at least, there are, but they all say conflicting things!). Being a parent is hard work isn’t it?!
Your topics so often have freaky timing!! I’ve been feeling like a “dunce mum” quite a lot recently… Having a household of sickies (including myself) & hubby frequently travelling away for work has really put the pressure on! Sadly, it’s not just a specific dunce mum moment, but many guilt-ridden events. Part way through a lecture to my kids (6.5, 4.5 & almost 2) about them not tidying up after themselves and me not wanting to feel like their maid all the time, I felt awful-I’ve gotta remember that they’re only young still & there’s no way I can hold to my perfectionist tendencies of wanting a tidy house before the kids are grown up and have moved out! But despite my lecture(s), I received an unexpected point of praise from my oldest tonight: he said “you’re the best mummy in the world”. My heart melted… ????
Oh and those moments do make it worth it don’t they? But they also serve to ramp up the mum guilt, huh? (In my case they do anyway!) You are doing a great job, and you’re definitely not the only parent to have heated discussions about tidying – we’re exactly the same in our house. It’s hard because although kids need to be able to be creative and be messy and enjoy play in a free environment, I simply can’t handle living in a house that is a total bomb site all the time. It messes with my mind and makes me feel stressed! It’s about finding a happy medium I guess. I’ll let you know if I ever find it!