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You are here: Home / MOTHERHOOD / A spirited child …or just plain naughty?

A spirited child …or just plain naughty?

November 22, 2017 by Molly 3 Comments

Yesterday morning I spent half an hour negotiating with my youngest daughter over what to wear. I’m not talking pretty dresses or trendy Instagram outfits – I would simply have been content with the basics, something over her pants. Maybe a jumper, even. This is one tiny example of spirited behaviour that I try my hardest not to crush day in day out. And it’s fine, I don’t want her to change. However, some of the other stuff… I struggle to call it “spirited” as it seems, to me, it’s just plain naughty.

After the dressing fiasco I came downstairs to find Effie had climbed up onto the kitchen worktop. Aside from the obvious health and safety implications of having a toddler on the counter-top, I had to deal with a tsunami of mess the likes only my youngest baby is able to create.

She’d got hold of some chocolate spread out of the baking cupboard and was spooning into her mouth with her hands, before wiping her hands all over the counter. She’d then added to her chocolate creation with sprinkles – a whole tub to be exact. The sprinkles covered every inch of the kitchen, falling into the cracks at the edge of the laminate and sticking stubbornly to the damp edges of the sink. It took me twenty minutes to clear up – twenty minutes I don’t have on a weekday morning.

Then there was bedtime. An hour after putting the girls to bed I discovered Effie in my bedroom, her face full of my favourite make-up, her nails, hands and arms covered in my best nail varnish – as well as the whole surface of my chest of drawers (which she’d climbed on, by the way, to reach the makeup). She’d waited until we’d gone downstairs to creep into our bedroom and wreak havoc. It was almost impressive, the level of planning she’d clearly done in her little three year old mind. When caught she whispered “Sorry” and immediately went to bed. She knew she’d done wrong. Still – why did she do it in the first place?!

We’re not lax parents. I watch Effie like a hawk, because I know what she can get herself into. It’s not always possible to keep tabs on her every second of the day though. I might need to dash to the loo for a wee, for example. Or perhaps even help her sister do up her tie in the morning. In those split-seconds when I’m not looking she has the ability to cause a whole world of chaos and, quite frankly, it’s exhausting. Completely and utterly exhausting.

She’s an inquisitive child. Into everything, afraid of nothing. I love her feisty nature, her wilful determination to do things her way. These are leadership qualities, traits we admire in adults. As a woman, these are characteristics I want her to have – she’ll go far.

And here, I guess, is the problem.

I’m trying to walk an invisible line between laying out clear boundaries and enforcing them, for the sake of a happy family life and to teach her that other people’s feelings matter (it matters that she wasted a whole tub of chocolate spread, it matters that I had to spend twenty minutes cleaning it up, it matters that she ripped her sister’s book and it matters that she ruined my make-up – even though she didn’t do any of those things with malicious intent). But I’m also trying not to crush her spirit, not to chide her for being interested in how things work all the time, not to try to turn her into someone she’s not.

Yet again I’m reminded of how different both my girls are. The challenges I face raising a toddler second time around couldn’t be more different to first time. With Freya, my main hurdle was trying to encourage my sensitive tot not to be scared of everything. It was an obstacle course of drama just walking down the road with her – if a motorbike went past she’d be terrified, if someone was mowing their lawn, if there was a big dog on the other side of the road etc etc. At seven Freya is still quite nervy in the water and although she’s blossomed in confidence lately and is thriving at school, she’s still an observant soul who likes to suss things out before getting involved.

My challenge with Effie is the opposite. She knows no fear which, as a first time mum to a fearful kid, I used to think was the dream. But it brings a whole new host of challenges. Walking down the road with Effie is a whole new drama, not because she’s scared of the motorbike but because she’s trying to jump in the road and climb on it. She has absolutely no grasp of road safety and I’ve had to resort to using a buggy or putting her in reigns after she nearly threw herself under a car last week.

When I try to talk things through with her she just laughs and tells me “You’re poo”. She’s too little to reason with and I find myself doing things I always said I never would. I would be the mum who’d teach her kid to walk sensibly holding her hand. I would be the mum to ditch the buggy at age 2 etc etc. The joke’s on me, it seems.

But on the other hand this lack of fear can also be a beautiful thing. Effie can already swim unaided without armbands or a float – something you can’t say about many toddlers who’ve literally only just turned three. She can jump into the water and do a front crawl right across to the other side on her own. She’s swum nearly a full length on her own before and can already swim down to the bottom of the pool to pick up weighted floats that kids double her age struggle to get. Her braveness leads her to some amazing achievements.

So this isn’t a kid-bashing post. And it isn’t a cry for help really either. It’s just an observation of what it’s like being the mother of a mini tornado. Every day I find myself hurtled from one extreme emotion to another – I can feel intense pride and intense frustration or anger within the space of five minutes.

Parenthood is tough, huh?!

Filed Under: Kids, MOTHERHOOD Tagged With: motherhood, Parenting, spirited child, toddler behaviour, toddlers

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Comments

  1. Pamela | Life With Munchers says

    November 24, 2017 at 9:00 am

    Our second was by far trickier than the first. MM strives to do some of the things her sister, 4 years her senior, does and the frustration is palpable at times. I find myself resorting to “going with” some of the harmless demands (Aka 3 teddies on the school run) But there’s definitely some strong wills in there. Effie is incredibly cute and she cracks me up in the vlogs, but I know just how exhausting a whole day of those situations can be xx

    Reply
  2. Morgana says

    November 23, 2017 at 2:54 pm

    Oh Molly I feel you. My youngest, who’s now 7, is so similar, and funnily enough has the same name as your spirited child – maybe there’s something in that! To be honest both my girls are ‘spirited’ but in completely different and equally challenging ways. They are both headstrong and stubborn, with my eldest believing she knows it all already and the youngest looking puzzled when she gets told off yet again for the same thing *tears hair our* But hey, life would be boring if all children were the same and didn’t push boundaries. I learn from my girls every day and I’m fascinated by the people they are growing into. I just wish they’d listen and do as they were told first time around every now and again 😉

    Reply
  3. Hannah - Budding Smiles says

    November 22, 2017 at 9:24 pm

    I’ve got a very ‘spirited’ nearly 3.5 year old, and when he was 18 months I wrote about raising a high need child. Martha is now the age Toby was when I wrote that post, and the difference between them is so stark.
    Toby doesn’t generally do things that can be perceived as ‘naughty’; he can walk beautifully, he mostly does as he’s asked, he’s boisterous but I can leave him unsupervised – unlike his little sister!

    However, Toby is emotionally very hard work, and when life (regularly) overwhelms him, he loses it in epic style. I’m talking rigid body, screaming, punching his own face or head butting the floor or wall, absolutely inconsolable for up to a couple of hours. As he’s gotten older I feel there’s probably more to it, such as Aspergers, however we’ll see!

    Anyway, you’re probably wondering what the heck the point is here and there probably isn’t one, except that I totally understand what it’s like raising two completely different types of mini people, with often challenging behaviours in their individual little ways xx

    Reply

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Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

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I am not “bossing” it. Or “slaying”. Or “hustling”. Or “smashing” it. I’m not even juggling or spinning plates or doing any of the other words we use as a glossy, marketable, Instagram friendly way to package up burnout culture, under the guise of “empowering” women (💪🤢). 
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What I have been doing, though, is working too hard. Call a spade a spade. I’ve been working too hard, neglecting my health, my relationships, my life away from my laptop. I cannot be everything to everyone AND work at the level I’ve been working at BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN BEING. And you are too. We are not robots.
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I care deeply about all my work, and things aren’t always this intense, but I wanted to sprinkle some reality into the Gram because I am so over this lie that *any* type of success or achievement doesn’t come at a cost, or involve many failures in the background, or require many other people to help make things happen. 
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I guess what I’m saying is, let’s be real about all that, as well as showing the achievements. I’m bloody proud of my book. And I’m so excited to launch the social enterprise @bodyhappyorg properly next month. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and that there isn’t a price. 
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And with that, I’m taking the weekend off. See you on the other side 🥰🥰🥰
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[Image description: Molly sits in her office with her hands covering her mouth. On the back of one hand is written “Not bossing it”. She is wearing a pink boiler suit with a black and white top underneath. She has pink leopard print earrings on and her hair is tied back.]
This was taken at the start of half term, when the This was taken at the start of half term, when the kids were still enthusiastic about going for a walk. 1,705 walks around the same bit of countryside later... not so much 😬 
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If you’re struggling to get your kids motivated to move their body at the moment, go gentle. You’re not alone. Bad weather coupled with boredom coupled with the lure of screens is a heady recipe for lethargy - and that’s just me! 
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Seriously though, remember: all movement is valid. Even if it’s just a ten minute @cosmickids sesh or a little kitchen disco, it all counts. And if it comes from a place of enjoyment and fun, kids (and adults!) are going to be far more likely to want to get involved.
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What joyful movement activities are your kids enjoying right now (if any?!)?
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[Image description: Molly and her two daughters are standing in a field. They’re wearing colourful wellies, holding hands and smiling.]
I founded a social enterprise 😵 . Introducing: I founded a social enterprise 😵
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Introducing: @bodyhappyorg 🎉
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We are a Community Interest Company dedicated to promoting positive body image in children. We help adults help the kids in their care be friends with their bodies 🥰. 
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Through workshops and classes, digital and physical resources (both free and paid) we help parents, carers, teachers, youth leaders - and any adults who are ever around children - create body happy settings for kids to thrive in. 
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We launch officially next month with a beautiful new website and lots of resources which we’ll continually be adding to. In the meantime give us a follow at @bodyhappyorg - we start posting from today and our page has been designed as a free resource on its own! 
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I’m privileged to work alongside an incredible team of people on this. Shout-out to the original dream team @chelseacoxstrategist @amysnellingpt @effinitupfaye @lottie_storey @bodyconfidencecards_db @rachel_hobnobs & @aceandping 💕 LOVE YOU ALL! 💕
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[Image description: A blue square with yellow and white text which reads “the body happy org”. This is the logo for The Body Happy Organisation CIC]
Proof that I did wear clothes other than a tea-sta Proof that I did wear clothes other than a tea-stained hoodie and tracksuit bottoms at least once in the past month 😐
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[Image description: Molly is wearing pink dungarees with yellow buttons over a black rollneck long-sleeved top. She has a monochrome striped hairband on and her hair is pink. She is also wearing earrings with boobs on them. She looks very pleased, both with her earrings, the pink hair and the fact she’s not wearing sleepwear, for a change.]
A new report from the Education Policy Institute h A new report from the Education Policy Institute has concluded an obvious gender divide in the well-being of young adults. If you’d like to read more check out this article by Eleanor Peake in @newstatesman (I’ve linked to it in my Stories).
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Every week I get messages from parents and teachers concerned about the impact of social media on their kids’ body image. And of course, I couldn’t write a book about body image in kids and teens without covering social media - there’s a whole chapter in Body Happy Kids dedicated to the subject. 
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The thing is, social media isn’t going anywhere. And just like it can be a force for anxiety, shame and general angst it can be a force for good too. The trick is in knowing how to use it positively (and in holding the platforms to account for not moderating the spread of harmful viral trends and online abuse, and creating algorithms that deliberately create division and harm mental health... but that’s a story for another day). 
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But how can we expect our kids to have a handle on it when we, as adults, don’t ourselves? 
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I don’t believe the answer is to ban social media, but I don’t think kids should be given unfettered access to it either. 
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They need help navigating this stuff, learning about boundaries, developing media literacy skills so they can think critically about the content they’re consuming (just like many adults).
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And we also need to explore how we might be inadvertently contributing to the problem, perpetuating appearance ideals and creating a culture where kids learn it’s ok to body shame under the guise of health and to value each other based on the way they look.
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As ever, it’s complicated. I’d love to know what you think? What are some of the boundaries you have around social media in your house - both for yourself and your kids?
#BodyHappyKids 
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[Full text in Alt Text]
When I was pregnant with Effie I went to a pregnan When I was pregnant with Effie I went to a pregnancy yoga class every week. It was the highlight of my week. I left each session feeling like I was floating on a cloud, and I used the poses and breath work to guide me through labour too. But then I had my baby and found that, as a knackered new mum of two, I couldn’t find the time for yoga. I no longer had the excuse of doing it “for the bump” or “to prepare for labour”, so what was the point?
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It wasn’t until I started reinvesting in myself and unravelling the diet culture perspective on exercise that I found it again, along with running, which turned to hiking, and swimming. 
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It wasn’t about preparing my body for someone or something else. It was about the process itself, the time to unwind my mind and move my body for joy, just for me. I’ve lost a bit of that this past year with lockdowns, and I feel it.
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I recently signed up to @theunderbellyyoga with @mynameisjessamyn and feel like I’m finding it again. I love that my kids can see me taking time for myself, and enjoying movement, and that they sometimes want to join in too. Even if it is a bit annoying sometimes (swipe 👀). 
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#BodyHappyMum 
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[Image description: Molly and her 6 year old daughter Effie sit on yoga and gymnastics mats with their legs crossed and arms in the air. They have their backs to the camera. In the second image they are sitting crossed legged while twisting round to the side, and in the third image Molly is lying on the mat with her eyes closed while Effie leans over her, being a bit annoying.]
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