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You are here: Home / MOTHERHOOD / Some thoughts on “keeping it real” as a mum

Some thoughts on “keeping it real” as a mum

May 16, 2017 by Molly 2 Comments

One of the best things about being a mum in 2017 is the ability to be completely candid and share our experiences of motherhood. This is also one of the worst things. Never before has mum life been so under the microscope or so laid bare for all to see.

Instagram, YouTube, blogs and Facebook mean many of us – bloggers or not – put little elements of our life out there all the time for everyone to see. Sharing all these details of our lives lays us all open to criticism. Whether you’re a cupcake baking mum or a fish finger serving mum, you can’t please everyone and there’s a high chance someone somewhere will silently (or not so silently) judge you. They’ll either assume you don’t love your kids because you moan about them, or think you need to get a life and stop being so sentimental because you love your kids too much. As I said, you can’t please everyone. This is just life as a parent in 2017.

There was an article published in the Daily Mail today which slated a few mum bloggers, one of whom is a good mate of mine. This post isn’t about that article specifically (which was pretty vile even for Daily Mail standards), but it’s a catalyst to something I was going to write anyway about the idea of “keeping it real” as a mum.

This phrase of “keeping it real” is bandied around all the time online. I hate it. I use it often myself, because I’m too lax to think of a better term, but I still hate it. I know, I’m a bad, bad person.

Anyway, the reason I hate the term “keeping it real” is because it suggests the alternative is a pack of lies. For example, I might vlog about a family day out and include the toddler throwing food in the air and getting naked. This doesn’t mean another vlogger’s family picnic without a naked food-throwing toddler is any less real though. Maybe their kids simply don’t like getting naked and throwing food around. Lucky them.

My Instagram feed is full of nice photos, because I like taking photos. The captions often tell the story behind the photo, which is pretty much what this blog does too. I always try to include the good bits and the bad bits of life. It’s my life, uncut. If there are no bad bits then you can assume there really were no bad things to say, whether that’s about a brand collaboration, a post about a successful school run or a family day out. (Which leads me to another bugbear – this assumption that bloggers who write only good things about a brand are “selling out” and lying. This is SO often NOT the case.)

I’ve always been an original Inbetweener. I wasn’t in any particular gang at school, college or uni and don’t easily fall into a clique of mums in the school playground (although our school is so small you could argue we’re all just one big clique anyway!). And just like at school, in blogging I count bloggers on both sides of the invisible “realness” fence my buddies.

The article in the Mail is one of so many that seems to want to pit one type of mum against another. It suggests you either love your kids or you don’t, you’re either a good mum who wears an apron and sings lovingly through every tantrum, or you’re a gin-swigging lush who swears at your kids and hates every moment of being a mum. The truth is, none of the mums I know fall into either of those brackets. Some days are good days, some days are bad days. This idea that we need to label all mums doesn’t do anyone any favours. (Read my friend Alison’s post about this – it’s really good.)

Anyway, the phrase “keeping it real” suggests, to me, that if you don’t blog or vlog about the bad bits of life then you’re basically a fake. This simply isn’t the case. Of course we all choose what we put out there when we share bits of our life online, but even the edited bits are real. There’s only so much you can fake, after all.

Take my videos over on YouTube, for example. They couldn’t be any more different to my pal Katie’s. That doesn’t mean I dislike Katie or think her videos are fake. Of COURSE they’re not. Katie’s videos – just like mine – show HER experiences as a mum.

Obviously this isn’t to say there aren’t some people out there faking it. Whether it’s mums pretending to have had a bad day for likes on Facebook or mums pretending to be the next Stepford Wife for views on YouTube, obviously there are some people out there who do this. I mean, come on, there are so many of us online these days it’s an inevitability isn’t it? But I’d like to think these mums are in the minority – and, anyway,  faking it is pointless because you can sniff it from a mile off. Most of us are just sharing our days in all their perfect or imperfect glory.

So, in short, if you’re a mum and you pop up in my Facebook feed venting about a difficult bedtime with the kids, or sharing some photos of a brilliant family day out, I won’t judge you. I know you’re “keeping it real”, because all our versions of reality are different on any given day.

 

(And, finally, to the journalist slash promoter of your own personal brand of parenting book who wrote that piece in the Daily Mail, here’s proof that one of the women you slated is not a bad mum. Any mother who can crouch under a big rock with their two year old while singing nursery rhymes with a patient smile is a flipping brilliant mum in my book. NOTE: I would share one of Sarah’s own videos here rather than my own, but in Sarah’s words she is #notavlogger):

 

 

 

Filed Under: Kids, MOTHERHOOD Tagged With: Blogging, keeping it real, motherhood, mum life, opinon, Parenting, real mum life

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Comments

  1. Rachel says

    May 16, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    It’s an intriguing debate for sure (and that article was certainly unpleasant and quoted things way out of context) as every person’s line will be drawn in a different place. I am not sure myself that the intention of the article was to question what is “real” – I don’t think the writer was actually accusing any one of making up things was she? – just that she had a different definition of what was ‘appropriate’ to share online…

    One thing I think is interesting to consider is how we present ourselves on line, and in person – we are all going to ‘edit’ what we write and what we say. There is a thought process of what we say and reveal – and the effects of this on others is a fascinating topic for thought. For example, I often describe myself as a working mum – but then I think (a) no man who is a dad describes himself as a working dad and (b) am I somehow implying this is a ‘better’ choice? or maybe I am just overthinking…

    My other thought regarding what I choose to share about my child is not really about how I want to come across as a person but is always whether I will be comfortable showing my children what I shared of their lives – whilst in person I might describe an action as being taken by “that little sh*t” I personally probably wouldn’t share that where it could come back to haunt me at a later date… sharing in person with context, gestures and so forth is one thing, but things seem much more deliberate and callous when they are written down I think – I personally think the best humorous writers manage to elude things without spelling them out!

    Reply
    • Molly says

      May 17, 2017 at 8:51 am

      Really interesting comment, thank you Rachel! I agree, it’s a fascinating debate. For me, I think there’s huge value in being really candid about the difficult sides of parenting as it helps other parents who might be having a tough time. I agree it’s important to think about the future ramifications of what we write. I’m always aware of this but I think, ultimately, if our kids know they are loved and adored (which they do) then they’ll understand that sometimes we had tough days. I think the Mail article failed to realise how much value there is in sharing these hard parts of being a parent and how many mums have been personally really helped by blogs like The Unmumsy Mum and Hurrah for Gin. The whole thing of writing about lives online is a huge and fascinating subject though isn’t it?

      Reply

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Hello and welcome! I'm Molly Forbes - podcaster, presenter and blogger with a passion for positivity, confidence and body image chat. Regularly writing and vlogging about empowering female issues from a motherhood angle, I also cover lifestyle and fashion topics for like-minded mums who want to rediscover themselves after having children. Thanks for stopping by! Read More…

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Just popping in to bring some sexy realness to you Just popping in to bring some sexy realness to your feed and remind you not to compare your life to an edited highlights reel. Here I am on my swanky holiday in a five star hotel freshly woken after a refreshing eight hours’ sleep in silken sheets wearing my designer nightwear. #LifestyleGoals
It’s important to distinguish between doctors an It’s important to distinguish between doctors and dieticians, and to remember that GPs and doctors are NOT dieticians. People go to university for four years and then often do Masters or PhD’s before they start practising in dietetics. Doctors are great (my sister is one!) but they are not dieticians. Being a doctor does not automatically give you the expertise to give nutrition advice. Remember this if you are referred to Slimming World or Weight Watchers by your GP, or if you watched a certain TV show last night (hosted, btw, by a medical psychiatrist, not a GP - see @drjoshuawolrich post for more on that). 
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I think it’s concerning when doctors write diet books, particularly when they are well known celeb doctors. Not only does it drive a weight-focused health agenda (side note: doctors! Read Health At Every Size by Lindo Bacon PhD!), but it perpetuates anti-fat bias in the medical community. 
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And this matters why? Because weight stigma and health are not compatible. Research shows many of the health outcomes blamed on weight can be attributed to the effect of weight stigma rather than the weight itself, but ALSO weight stigma means many people put off going to see a doctor due to past upsetting experiences in the GP surgery OR they are not properly diagnosed because their weight is the focus of the consultation. 
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Look, I’m not coming for doctors. I appreciate you and know you’ve done an exceptional job in the pandemic. Again, my sister is a doctor. BUT doctors are a product of society just like you and me. They are human with their own internalised biases. It’s important we remember this, particularly if their prescription involves nutrition advice which many dieticians would condemn as being actively bad for health.

#BodyImage
Re-sharing this vid from January to show, despite Re-sharing this vid from January to show, despite what fatphobic attitudes would have you believe, body acceptance does NOT mean “giving up”. It IS possible to enjoy moving your body without weight loss being the ultimate goal. 
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Diet culture has messed up our relationship with exercise just like it’s messed up our relationship with food. And the government’s Better Health campaign just continues to perpetuate the myth that exercise is a weight loss tool, and that those in bigger bodies can’t be fit. WRONG! 
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⚡️Did you know research shows people who are fat and fit live longer than those who are thin and unfit? ⚡️Did you know weight stigma and anti-fat attitudes are a massive barrier for many people who want to work out? ⚡️Did you know that exercising for intrinsic reasons (how it makes you feel) over extrinsic ones (how it makes you look) is a better long term motivator for consistent exercise? ⚡️And did you know that a study in 2007 showed people who are motivated to exercise for health and enjoyment reasons had a lower pulse, systolic blood pressure and salivary stress hormone levels while those motivated by weight loss had none of these physical measures? Fitness through a diet culture lens is NOT the one! 
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If you want kids to enjoy movement then teaching them that all bodies are good bodies is absolutely KEY to a lifelong healthy relationship with exercise. 
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But also: other people’s bodies and health habits are none of your business! People have the right to respect and dignity REGARDLESS of their health status. 
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And finally (I’ll put my megaphone down in a sec) ALL movement is valid, despite what the “go hard or go home” crew tell you. It’s YOUR body, move it however you want, however it feels good, and not to “atone” for the “syns” you ate at your last meal ❤️❤️❤️
#BodyHappy #BodyImage
CELEBRATE YOUR BODY ❤️ This book by @sonyarene CELEBRATE YOUR BODY ❤️ This book by @sonyareneetaylor is just the most joyful book to help girls understand and embrace their changing bodies. My eldest is 10 and she read it cover to cover, and it’s sparked so many gorgeous, open, curious conversations about puberty and periods and hormones and emotions and all the things. 
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@thebodyisnotanapology
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[ID: Celebrate Your Body book by Sonya Renee Taylor]
Tonight should be our first night on holiday in Sp Tonight should be our first night on holiday in Spain. Made up for it with a meal outside at the village pub and a “late” bedtime (any evening out past 8pm is late for us!). Devon is heaven ❤️ #mumlife
ALL children have the right to feel good about the ALL children have the right to feel good about themselves and their body - not just the ones who “look healthy”. Children are being taught at a younger and younger age that their body is a problem that needs to be fixed. 
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The current climate of intense body shaming disguised as health concern is creating policies which actively damage the relationship children have with their bodies. There is a huge amount of evidence showing that the better kids feel about their body, the more likely they are to make choices that make their body feel good - like taking part in movement or eating in a happy, intuitive way. 
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Making health all about weight not only damages kids’ body image, making them either feel like their body is “wrong” or fear it becoming “wrong”, it also gives a free pass to the diet industry to aggressively market their products at children, under the guise of health. Ironically, encouraging kids to engage in dieting and habits which are actively bad for their health. This culture affects ALL children.
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And of course this version of health, and this focus on making kids’ bodies the problem, lets the politicians off the hook. Easier to put the nation on a diet instead of investing in policies which will reduce inequality and give everyone access to the things needed to live a full and healthy life.
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There is a silver lining though, because we can choose to be part of the solution. We can say no to diet culture at home and challenge it when it pops up in the spaces kids should be safest.
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If you’re a teacher our Body Happy Kids workshop is an intro to this subject with tools for creating body happy spaces for the children in your care. Find out more and sign up via my bio. ❤️ #BodyHappyKids
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