Let’s be honest—parenting can feel like flying blind. There’s no one-size-fits-all handbook, and we’re often learning on the job. What worked yesterday might not work today. One of the most helpful ways to grow as a parent is to take a closer look at your parenting style.
Understanding how you typically respond to your child—whether you lean more toward structure, leniency, warmth, or distance—can help you parent with more purpose and confidence.
Why It’s Worth Paying Attention to Parenting Styles
Back in the 1960s, psychologist Diana Baumrind laid out a framework for understanding how parents relate to their children. Later researchers expanded on her ideas, and today, we typically talk about four main styles based on how warm (responsive) and how firm (demanding) a parent tends to be.
- Authoritative – high warmth, high structure
- Authoritarian – low warmth, high structure
- Permissive – high warmth, low structure
- Uninvolved (or neglectful) – low warmth, low structure
Of all these, the authoritative style is often seen as the most balanced. It creates an environment where children feel safe and supported, but also know what’s expected of them. The result? Kids who are more likely to thrive emotionally, socially, and academically.
A Closer Look at the Four Styles
Understanding the differences in parenting styles can help you spot where you are and where you might want to head. Here’s a breakdown of how these styles tend to show up in real life.
Authoritative Parenting
You might be this parent if… you set clear boundaries but explain your reasons, listen to your child’s perspective, and stay consistent with consequences.
Why it’s effective: Kids raised with this style often grow up feeling heard and respected, and in turn, they learn to respect others and regulate their own behavior.
Try this: The next time a rule is questioned, instead of getting defensive, say something like, “I understand you’re upset. Here’s why this rule exists.” That small shift can go a long way.
Authoritarian Parenting
This might sound familiar if… your parenting leans toward strict rules and little room for negotiation. You expect obedience and don’t often explain the “why” behind your decisions.
The challenge: Kids may follow rules out of fear rather than understanding. Over time, this can lead to resentment or poor communication.
Small change idea: Try combining firmness with empathy. “I get that this feels unfair right now. But bedtime helps your brain recharge so you can feel better tomorrow.”
Permissive Parenting
Signs you might fall into this camp: You want your child to feel loved and free, so you avoid saying “no,” offer few rules, and try to be more of a friend than a parent.
The downside: Without structure, kids can struggle with self-control and decision-making. They may also expect the world to bend to their needs.
How to balance it: Keep your warmth, but build some structure around it. For example, set up a morning checklist: “Brush teeth, make bed, get dressed—then play.”
Uninvolved Parenting
If this sounds like you: You’re so overwhelmed (or distant) that you’ve checked out a bit. There’s little engagement, emotionally or structurally.
Why it’s risky: Kids need connection and guidance. When they don’t get either, they can feel isolated, struggle in school, and have a tough time building self-worth.
Where to start: Pick one small, consistent point of connection each day. Maybe it’s eating dinner together, reading a bedtime story, or just asking how their day was—then really listening.
Which Style Do You Lean Toward?
Most of us don’t fall squarely into just one category. We might be more permissive with our toddler and more authoritarian with our teenager—or shift based on how stressed we are.
Here are a few questions to help you reflect:
- Do I give explanations when I enforce a rule, and do I expect them in return?
- Do I prioritize structure or flexibility more in our home?
- When I’m tired or overwhelmed, do I get stricter, more lenient, or emotionally distant?
Being aware of your patterns isn’t about blame; it’s about growth. Once you notice your go-to responses, you can start shifting them intentionally.
Moving Toward a More Balanced Style
If you’re realizing your current approach isn’t working as well as you’d like, the good news is that parenting is incredibly adaptable. Here are a few strategies to help you shift toward a more authoritative style:
- Pause before responding – Give yourself a beat to think, “What’s really going on here?”
- Offer reasoning – Replace “Because I said so” with “Here’s what I’m trying to teach you.”
- Practice active listening – Even saying, “That sounds really frustrating,” can open a door.
- Set choices within limits – “Would you rather do homework now or after dinner?”
- Follow through consistently – Choose logical consequences that match the behavior.
- Adjust expectations to fit age – What works for a preschooler won’t work for a preteen.
Why Intentional Parenting Pays Off
When you choose to parent with a clear purpose and style, everything shifts. You’re not just reacting—you’re leading. Here’s what tends to happen over time:
- Kids become better at managing their emotions and solving problems
- The home feels calmer and more respectful
- Your relationship with your child deepens
- You feel more confident and less like you’re just winging it
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, thoughtful, and open to learning alongside your kids.
A Few Simple Steps to Start Today
You don’t need a full parenting overhaul to start making meaningful changes. Just pick one or two of these and give them a try:
- Take a parenting style quiz (like the one on Bright Horizons linked above)
- Add one consistent rule with explanation
- Choose a new daily connection ritual—something simple and repeatable
- Try out the phrase: “Help me understand what you’re feeling right now”
Parenting is one of the most personal and powerful journeys you’ll ever take. The more you understand your parenting style, the better equipped you are to guide your kids toward confidence, compassion, and independence.
Start small. Reflect often. And remember: you don’t have to get it all right.
